Woman quietly swaps 'Veganuary' for 8kg of cheddar

A WOMAN who would not shut up about going vegan for a month has gorged herself on cheddar like an animal.

Nikki Hollis signed up to Veganuary after a particularly heavy New Year’s Eve, but found her enthusiasm for healthy eating waned at the same speed as her evil hangover.

Hollis said: “It was fine for the first few days as I was carried on a wave of  smugness about the fact that I was both saving all the lovely little animals and ‘eating clean’, whatever the hell that means.

“But when I went back to work I realised that the only good parts of my day had been drinking a bucket of milky coffee in the morning and eating a massive brie and bacon sandwich at lunch time.

“My colleagues quickly lost interest in the incredible sacrifice I was making and started rolling Maltesers across my desk just to take the piss.”

Hollis added: “In the end I cracked and bought the biggest slab of Cathedral City I could find and devoured the whole thing at once in the Tesco car park. I am happy now.”

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Bastard neighbour builds much better snowman

A FATHER is feeling inadequate after his bastard next-door neighbour built a far superior snowman. 

Tom Logan was proud of the snowman he built with the help of his two small children until looking over the fence at his neighbour’s snowman, which was three feet taller and had the perfect smile.

Logan said: “Shit. I knew I shouldn’t have let the kids get involved.

“You can see what he’s done. Everyone thought he was being community-minded clearing snow from the road at 6am, but instead he was building a stockpile. Clever. Damn clever.

“Then he’s built the body over the recycling crate, giving himself a height advantage, and I’m pretty sure he’s used a clothes prop as an internal armature.

“But how did he get such fantastic sticks and who has actual coal around? Bastard.”

Neighbour Julian Cook said: “I collected the left arm in May and the right one in October, both sourced from naturally fallen New Forest birch, and the coal I got off the internet. You’ve got to prepare.

“No you can’t go and play outside. You might break it.”