Galloway blocks Obama

GEORGE Galloway has blocked Barack Obama on Twitter.

The former MP issued an edict that he would not listen to any more of Obama’s utterances three minutes after the president’s first tweet and urged his followers to do likewise.

Galloway said: “Saying hello to everyone on Twitter was a flagrantly provocative act by the puppet president of the United States of so-called America and he has been most unwise to do so.

“He will be hearing from my representatives in due course. Have I mentioned Palestine yet? Palestine.”

Galloway also called for a recount of Obama’s followers, claiming 1,270,000 of the president’s 1.5 million followers are false accounts set up by Labour to smear him. He insisted that when these are discounted it will show he is still the more popular figure on Twitter.

He added: “A mighty lion may get a retweet from Rula Lenska and does not that prove him more righteous than a jackal joking with Bill Clinton?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Coca-Cola to execute people who aren’t happy

UNHAPPINESS is now punishable by death, under new laws funded by Coca-Cola.

The multinational fizzy pop behemoth, whose current marketing campaign promotes happiness as a choice, is using its political leverage to execute anyone not filled with joy.

A Coca Cola spokesman said: “Happiness is all around us, it’s in a child’s laugh or the humming of a bee.

“Even if your house has just been destroyed in a rocket launcher attack you can still grab yourself a Coke which will make everything alright again.

“If you are not happy there is something wrong with you, something serious which could contaminate the rest of humanity.”

The first public executions of unhappy people will take place at Hyde Park, where Pharrell will perform an acappella rendition of annoying song Happy before pulling a lever that makes them plummet into a tank full of hungry mako sharks.

Teacher Emma Bradford said: “I think this is a great idea, because it’s Coca Cola and they are a magical massive corporation that delights me.

“Look at my big lovely smile, I am full of joy even if you think you see fear in my eyes.

“I’m happy, so happy, please don’t take my family.”