Gap year teaches man lots of things everyone already knows

A 22-YEAR-OLD has returned from a gap year full of priceless first-hand knowledge that is only available to others via Wikipedia. 

Julian Cook’s travels in India, Thailand and Australia have given him incredible insights which he is sharing with those who only knew about it from TV, the internet, books and common sense.

He said: “Mumbai blew my mind. You couldn’t possibly imagine how crowded it is, and in the middle of the worst slums there are people earning pennies to make goods for the West. Isn’t that incredible?

“On the other hand you’ve got all these amazing palaces and modern skyscrapers. It’s difficult to put into words, but I suppose you’d call it a ‘city of opposites’.

“Thailand was another eye-opener. You see these incredibly beautiful ladies in the clubs, but – and I warn you, this is almost impossible to believe – they’re actually guys. Seriously.

“Australia’s more like Britain but it’s hotter and they have these beach parties that wouldn’t be practical in, say, Plymouth. Also they’re quite into outdoor cooking on grills.

“I’ve learned so much I’m going to write up my journal into a book. People need to know.”

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Man gives to charity without going to a f**king ball

SCIENTISTS were shocked to announce the discovery of a man who is capable of giving to charity without attending an exclusive black-tie gala event. 

Nathan Muir, from Hatfield, was found to be giving £40 a month to a range of charities even though researchers were unable to detect any bids for a tennis lesson from Tim Henman.

Dr Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We detected the charity donation and began monitoring, fully expecting him to don a tuxedo and head to a five-star hotel where he would be lavishly entertained in return for his largesse.

“But instead the money simply left his account by direct debit, for all the world as if a £500-per-head ball with Lee Mack as compere was simply unnecessary.

“He didn’t bid for a pair of Frank Bruno’s boxing gloves. He didn’t bid for a jetskiing session with Duncan Bannatyne. The money went directly to the charity, and if glitz was involved at any stage then it was entirely private.

“However we’re confident that Mr Muir is very much the exception, and that no ordinary man could possibly part with £500 a year without a special event where they get to feel like a big deal in front of women who are being paid to be there.

“That’s established scientific fact.”