Government's Fake News Unit 'like A-Team but in big red bus with lie written on side of it'

THE government’s new Fake News Unit will be like the A-Team but instead of driving a black van they will use a big red bus with a massive lie printed on the side of it.

Officials confirmed the new unit will have many other similarities to the 1980s TV show, most notably the four men who will be heading it up.

A government spokesman said: “Boris Johnson will be like Hannibal, in that he’ll be in charge despite the fact no one ever remembers electing him.

“Stephen Crabb will be Face, for obvious reasons. Jeremy Hunt will be Murdoch, as everyone is always laughing at him.

“And Jacob Rees Mogg will be BA as he refuses to get into a plane. Though this will be because he sees them as winged hell-beasts and that man was never meant to take to the air.

“And they’ve already got the bus with the massive lie written across the side of it so they’re pretty much ready to go.”

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Is nowhere safe for me to grope women anymore?

By a Presidents Club ‘Platinum Member’

THE exposure of the groping and sexual harrassment of woman at a private President’s Club dinner has scandalised the media.

But as an attendee, it has left me with a single burning question: is nowhere safe for me to grope anymore?

I mean come on. This was a doors-closed, men-only event where all the hostesses were well-remunerated for being treated as sexual objects, and it’s still not okay? That is mental.

I’ve got used to the prohibition against giving my PA a quick titting-up as part of her ordinary duties at work. Reluctantly, I’ve accepted that not every woman on the Tube wants my hand cupping her buttocks. I get it. Times change.

But seriously? A private event, where all the women attending were chosen specifically to be groped? Surely groping is okay there. Surely women can’t ask to be treated with respect and dignity everywhere they go.

Already the Playboy Mansion is no more. Berlusconi’s bunga bunga parties have been sadly curtailed. Even in Northern nightclubs, women slap your face just for a spontaneous fanny-grab.

Like Donald Trump, I am a wealthy, powerful man. And, also like Donald Trump, there must be a space for me to grope attractive young ladies without going to the unnecessary, and distasteful, extreme, like Donald trump, of hiring actual escorts.

I  beg you, don’t demean me by forcing me to that.