Phil Neville’s guide to women

WOMEN, eh? Can’t be left alone with ‘em, can’t honestly believe that coaching them in football is worthwhile. Here’s my guide to the fairer sex:

You can almost always identify a woman by sight once you know what to look for, but if in doubt don’t be afraid to ask. After all, they know better than you do!

Certain sexist players divide women into three types: WAGs, slags and other. But I have learned that the ‘other’ category actually has several subdivisions in itself, perhaps as many as 16.

Scientists have proven that women do not experience friendship like we do, being unable to physically withstand banter. Instead they form bonds based on crying and/or urination. Respect that.

Never run at a woman. Trust me on this. Even in controlled conditions in the grounds of my estate it has not once worked.

When trying to think like a woman, I have a rule: WWDB07D? or What Would David Beckham Do? Because Becks’s thought process, being driven by the twin engines of vanity and greed, is very like those of a woman, and so is his wife’s.

Normally you’ll encounter women singly, or in pairs, but in larger groups their behaviour can be less predictable or even dangerous. To this end I’ll be training the squad in groups of three and forbidding them to meet.

Don’t let them see Gary or any photos of Gary, even as punishment. Honestly it isn’t worth it. They’ll be shaking for days.