General Flynn says tearful ‘do svidanya’ to White House comrades

FIRED Trump adviser General Michael Flynn has put on his fur hat, taken a final shot of vodka and wished his White House comrades do svidanya. 

The official, who has been fired in order to create the illusion that the Trump administration is not following Putin’s orders, admitted he returns to the motherland with regrets. 

He continued: “It is for the good of the Slavic peoples, I understand, but I had at least hoped to see out a whole five-year plan. 

“To go now, before our pincer movement crushes Europe, is hard but I know that the individual must sacrifice himself for the collective good. They drummed that into us back at KGB school on Michurinsky Prospekt. 

“Come, comrades, let us down our Stolinychas and smash our glasses in the Oval Office fireplace one last time. Vashe zdorovie! 

“I will be back at the head of a fleet of tanks soon, I promise! Death to USA!”



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'Going up the Shard' probably a euphemism

A COUPLE planning to ‘go up the Shard’ later are probably talking about a sex thing, it has been claimed.

Tom Logan revealed that for a Valentine’s Day treat he will be taking partner Francesca Johnson ‘up the Shard’, prompting a flurry of speculation among friends.

Workmate Stephen Malley said: “Tom’s really excited about going ‘up the Shard’ with Francesca.

“He said going ‘up the Shard’ requires some careful forward planning but it would really bring them closer together. 

“Apparently it is the most romantic thing a couple can do, but it is not for the faint-hearted.”

Johnson said: “Going ‘up the Shard’ is quite a big deal for me, so it’s only right to save it for a special occasion. 

“My friends who’ve been taken up the Shard say it is a little bit scary at first, so you should only do it with someone you trust.”

Malley added: “The fact they’re also planning to ‘visit the Oxo tower’ if things go well is only adding to my confusion.”