Germans in last minute rush for sex with animals

THOUSANDS of Germans last night grabbed the nearest available animal and had sex with it.

As the country’s lawmakers moved to outlaw bestiality, zoos, farms and pet shops were inundated with people offering money for one final bout of inter-species coitus.

Hans Schmelling, an architect from Dusseldorf, spoke of his relief after finding a last-minute non-human sex partner.

He said: “I can now tell my children that in 2012 I was one the last Germans to legally penetrate a goose.”

 

 

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Nobody recognisable at The Hobbit premiere

“Who the fuck’s that?” said thousands of fans yesterday at the premiere of Peter Jackson’s new film.

As the cast of the fantasy epic arrived on the red carpet, everyone realised they were completely inconspicuous without make-up or special effects.

Excited fan Tom Logan said: “Look! It’s the guy who does Gollum.

“Or is he a dwarf? Maybe he’s a troll. Wow its that elf prince over there…

“Oh…no it’s not actually.”