Glenn Beck urged to increase pressure on massacre victims

US intellectual Glenn Beck has been urged to keep up the pressure on the victims of the Norway massacre.

Professor Beck was universally applauded for his attack on all those killed on Saturday and has been urged to do everything in his power to desecrate their memories to the fullest possible extent.

Beck, the emeritus professor of political philosophy at Harvard University, compared the children gunned down on Utoya Island to the Hitler Youth in a move which many say must now surely bring him to the attention of the Nobel Institute.

Professor Noam Chomsky, Beck’s great intellectual rival, said: “I have to hand it to Glenn, he has out-thought me this time.

“The breadth of his imagination is simply stunning. Compared to him I feel like a moron.

“I truly hope he continues to pursue this issue and finds the rhetorical skill to forcefully condemn these young people again and again. I could listen to him doing this forever.”

Meanwhile a petition has been started calling for advertisers on Professor Beck’s Musings from the Library radio show to increase their spending in direct proportion to the ferocity of his attacks on the Norwegian victims.

Petition organiser, Nobel Prize-winning economist Professor Paul Krugman, said: “I confidently predict that companies who advertise moments after Glenn has brilliantly insulted these dead children will reap the financial rewards.

“And on a more personal note, I know that Glenn’s lovely wife Tania will be very keen to have sex with him whenever he labels those children as Nazis. What woman could refuse?”

Geneticist, Professor Richard Dawkins, said: “We may be witnessing an evolutionary event. This glorious attack could be evidence of a new form of human brain. I would not be surprised if Professor Beck was also able to read minds.”

Noam Chomsky added: “Sometimes Glenn asks me if his bold intellectual forays could eventually put him in physical danger from lesser beings who feel threatened by his searing intelligence and I always tell him ‘no, of course not, people love you, keep going’.”

A spokesman for the Nobel Institute said: “We would never speculate on the names of future laureates but let’s just say if I was Professor Beck I would be keeping my calendar open for December and checking the price of business class to Oslo.”


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Western culture still very much there, say experts

LIBERAL western culture does not seem to have noticed it is under dire threat, experts have confirmed.

Despite Suella Braverman’s warning that Western civilisation is fighting for its existence, Europe continues to teem with Europeans who are drinking alcohol, disrespecting their parents or having pre-marital sex at this very moment.

Helen Archer, who lectures in cultural studies, said: “I heard Suella’s cry of warning so thought I’d check if our very culture is under threat. It’s not. 

“Just to be sure, I asked a dozen volunteers to measure their everyday experiences, to check that marches against war in Gaza aren’t drowning liberal western values in a never-ending tsunami of differentness. And no.” 

Volunteer Stephen Malley, a personnel manager from Finsbury Park, said: “I got up at 7.30am to a home generally free of Muslim extremists. Maybe they all congregate there when I’m at work.

“After a hate-free, non-halal bowl of Cheerios and a cup of coffee without an opinion about the role of women in society, I left the flat and passed three women in hijabs and 74 women not. At no point did anyone criticise their clothing or convert them to Islam.

“The bus is driven by a man with brown skin who sounds exactly like me. I would not be surprised if at least one of his grandparents arrived in Britain before mine did. No passengers try to undermine my values. They’re all on their phones.

“When I get to my desk I spend about two hours reading media sites that seem to be able to publish whatever they please, including articles about how western culture is being destroyed by immigration. 

“After work I go for a pint. The barman does not seem ashamed to serve me, even though the f**ker is charging me an insane amount of money.

“At home, I watch Sex and the City and marvel at the erotic athleticism of the older one, and my boyfriend and I discuss our upcoming marriage. Thus far, no one has arrested us for doing this. And that’s my day.”