Glenn Beck urged to increase pressure on massacre victims

US intellectual Glenn Beck has been urged to keep up the pressure on the victims of the Norway massacre.

Professor Beck was universally applauded for his attack on all those killed on Saturday and has been urged to do everything in his power to desecrate their memories to the fullest possible extent.

Beck, the emeritus professor of political philosophy at Harvard University, compared the children gunned down on Utoya Island to the Hitler Youth in a move which many say must now surely bring him to the attention of the Nobel Institute.

Professor Noam Chomsky, Beck’s great intellectual rival, said: “I have to hand it to Glenn, he has out-thought me this time.

“The breadth of his imagination is simply stunning. Compared to him I feel like a moron.

“I truly hope he continues to pursue this issue and finds the rhetorical skill to forcefully condemn these young people again and again. I could listen to him doing this forever.”

Meanwhile a petition has been started calling for advertisers on Professor Beck’s Musings from the Library radio show to increase their spending in direct proportion to the ferocity of his attacks on the Norwegian victims.

Petition organiser, Nobel Prize-winning economist Professor Paul Krugman, said: “I confidently predict that companies who advertise moments after Glenn has brilliantly insulted these dead children will reap the financial rewards.

“And on a more personal note, I know that Glenn’s lovely wife Tania will be very keen to have sex with him whenever he labels those children as Nazis. What woman could refuse?”

Geneticist, Professor Richard Dawkins, said: “We may be witnessing an evolutionary event. This glorious attack could be evidence of a new form of human brain. I would not be surprised if Professor Beck was also able to read minds.”

Noam Chomsky added: “Sometimes Glenn asks me if his bold intellectual forays could eventually put him in physical danger from lesser beings who feel threatened by his searing intelligence and I always tell him ‘no, of course not, people love you, keep going’.”

A spokesman for the Nobel Institute said: “We would never speculate on the names of future laureates but let’s just say if I was Professor Beck I would be keeping my calendar open for December and checking the price of business class to Oslo.”


Western culture still very much there, say experts

LIBERAL western culture does not seem to have noticed it is under threat, experts have confirmed.

The Institute for Studies has found that Europe is positively teeming with Europeans, many of whom are drinking alcohol, disrespecting their parents or having pre-marital sex at this very moment.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Everyone keeps saying western culture is under threat from Muslims or something, so we thought we’d better check. Turns out it’s not.”

The Institute asked a dozen volunteers to record their everyday experiences to measure the extent to which liberal western values are being steadily overwhelmed by a never-ending tsunami of differentness.

Professor Brubaker added: “We basically just asked them to walk around for a bit and see if they noticed any stuff.”

Research volunteer, Stephen Malley, a personnel manager from Finsbury Park, said: “I get up at 7.30. My bedroom is  generally free of Muslim extremists. Maybe they all congregate there when I’m at work. Who knows?

“I have a hate-free, non-halal bowl of Cheerios and a cup of coffee that does not have an opinion about the role of women in society. Meanwhile, I listen to an oaf on the radio making jokes that I doubt were approved by an imam, or indeed someone with a brain.

“During my walk to the bus stop I pass – on average – three women wearing burkas and 75 women wearing short skirts – and I mean short. They seem happy and at no point does anyone convert them to Islam or criticise their choice of clothing. In fact, I sense approval.

“The bus is driven by a man with dark brown skin who sounds exactly like me. I would not be surprised if at least one of his grandparents arrived in Britain before mine did. The bus is filled with a variety of people. None of them try to undermine my values. They mostly just sit there.

“When I get to my desk I spend about two hours reading newspaper websites that seem to be able to publish whatever they please, including articles about how western culture is being destroyed by immigration. I sometimes wonder if I’m supposed to be scared.

“During the day I chat to my colleagues. At no point does anyone set fire to anything or call me ‘the Great Satan’.

“After work I go for a pint of beer. The barman does not seem ashamed to serve me, even though the fucker is charging me an insane amount of money.

“I get the bus home, eat a pork chop and then flick through more than 100 channels filled with people expressing themselves freely. I have so far been unable to find an Islamic fundamentalist channel. I shall keep looking.

“Often I will watch Sex and the City and marvel at the sexual athleticism of the older one, and some evenings my boyfriend and I will discuss our upcoming civil partnership ceremony. Thus far, no one has arrested us for doing this.

“And that’s my day.”