Subscribe

Good TV ratings, Christian, not Iranian: Trump's qualifications to be Iran's next supreme leader

PRESIDENT Trump has announced he will directly appoint the next supreme leader of Iran, due to his delusions. These are the qualities he is looking for:

Of Christian faith

Iran has been an Islamic republic since 1979, and what good has it done it? Meanwhile in the same period Christian countries developed the iPod, the air-fryer and Heelys. A man unafraid to say ‘Merry Christmas’ would be a man who the West could work with. If keeping multiple wives is a must for Iranians a Mormon is acceptable.

Proven ratings winner

Trump owes his success to The Apprentice beating every rival show in the ratings, even though it rarely actually did. So priority will be given to applicants with a track record of similar 00s reality TV ratings success, such as the Kardashians, Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino of Jersey Shore, Paris Hilton and Steve-O.

Not Iranian

Iranians are difficult to deal with, insisting on speaking a non-English language while holding allegiance to a country which is not America. They’ve had their chance. Instead white candidates from Anglophone countries will be favoured, especially if clean-shaven, wearing suits, and hailing from Texas-based oil dynasties.

Extensive knowledge of classic Wrestlemania

Trump often finds, when discussing the Middle East, that his mind wanders to 80s wrestler The Iron Sheik who was in fact Iranian. He then continues to discuss his own appearance in the ‘Battle of the Billionaires’ at Wrestlemania 23, which Trump won. Anyone familiar with these events who can use them to steer discussion back to geopolitics is welcomed.

Happy to be known as ‘the Donald J Trump Supreme Leader of Iran’

Branding is everything in politics, and the president does not appreciate rivals attempting to make their names known. The successful applicant will sign away all rights to their own name and identity on taking office and will instead bear the above appellation throughout, even when overthrown and executed in a football stadium.

No pay or benefits

Healthcare, security in employment, pensions or working rights are not, and have never been, part of Trump’s vision for the world. The contract for this position will not therefore include any. The successful candidate is encouraged to take advantage of all opportunities to loot wealth and stash it in offshore accounts, as are the current US cabinet.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Why under-16s must not face a social media ban. By a teenager who is a living advert for it

IT would just be like so wrong to deprive teenagers like me of my socials because I have grew up with it and there is all what you learn from it, right?

Social media is a vital part of young peoples life’s nowadays. In the future we will need to know technology to get a job. If your boss tells you to watch TikTok and you don’t know what that is, you’ll get the sack. Thats just the Real World.

In any case AI will have taken all the jobs and its all vibe coding now. What point am I making here? Dunno.

Social media is also important for our education. I’m reading comments on Insta all day and thats learning me good spelling. It would be wrong to deprive us of such a voluble learning resauce.

Anyway its like totally addictive so we can’t stop using it if we wanted to. Is that actually more of a bad thing about it? I don’t know because at school I’m usually on Snapchat instead of learning how to construct an argument. The Government needs to do something about that. 

Also banning me off social media would be wrong because its how young people communicate these days, you feel me? I mean, yeah, mostly we just put emojis next to videos, but sometimes we really open up emotionally and use a sad face.

Of course theres harmful content out there, but you can just make it illegal with a law. Someone made a fake nude of a girl in my form group, and I’m like totally against that. Its wrong to compare ordinary women to professional porn stars with much better tits.

So after reading the arguments I’ve done here, I think you’ll agree we must not ban under-16s from social media. Even if its just so we stay online in our bedrooms rather than talking to you about our clueless bullshit.

Next story ›