IT’S claimed that your urge to discover new music stops after 30. Have you really become a tedious old music reactionary, or are a lot of new acts a bit crap, like these?
EsDeeKid
Topping today’s charts is this balaclava-clad council estate resident, suggesting British rap could be dominating the world if we’d just got Jeremy Kyle guests to produce music. The rumour about him being Timothée Chalamet’s alter ego has done a lot for his profile, but it suggests a weird internet mystery fuelled by TikTok morons is more interesting than his music. You’d be inclined to agree.
Benson Boone
The appeal of X Factor novelties can wear off quickly – these days Rhydian and Wagner feel like a fever dream that’s thankfully ended. However across the pond they insist talent show embarrassments are still in demand, and so we have to hear this weasel missing its balls on the radio whether we like it or not. It seems the future is American Idol show tune-core, when we should have cut our losses with Kelly Clarkson.
PinkPantheress
ICYMI: a singer talks over a better Underworld track, wears a lot of tartan, and is generally kitsch. Ms Pantheress tricked the BRIT Awards into thinking she’s our best producer by opening up GarageBand on her iPhone, the equivalent of hitting the irritating DJ keyboard button in music class. The band Klaxons similarly impressed the BRITs before disappearing entirely; let’s hope the same doesn’t happen to her. Or not.
Lola Young
It’s easy to hate products of the BRIT school, especially if you unfairly include this artist’s family connection to the person responsible for the bloody Gruffalo. Lola is noted for saying ‘f**king’ too much, like Gordon Ramsay trapped inside a genre-bending pop-indie hopeful. Whatever’s happening here, it’s perfectly ignorable, even making us wish fellow BRIT annoyances Rizzle Kicks would return. Oh, wait.
Sleep Token
An odd mix of metal, R&B and ambient, all mushed together while wearing scary masks. Hard to describe, but imagine you’re having a sex dream about Slipknot with R Kelly providing the mood music. Metal has always been for losers on the fringes of society, who’ve clearly been starved of embarrassing bands like Iron Maiden for too long and have now latched onto these crooning chancers. Suddenly your old Def Leppard CDs don’t seem so uncool.
sombr
Some musicians appear out of thin air, and sombr suddenly mysteriously appeared on Gen Z social media with the sort of vapid pop only liked by a River Island employee. Once you reach adulthood, sombr’s horny teenager shtick has little relevance, unless you’re looking for a middle-aged crush. For that purpose, brooding, high-cheekboned, 20-year-old sombr is excellent.
Djo
With Tame Impala busy up his own arse missing award ceremonies and thinking he’s a rave godfather, there’s luckily a boring and smug arsehole trying to replicate him. Joe Keery has effortlessly and unfairly tripped into a music career thanks to starring in Stranger Things. Sadly it suggests we’re finally accepting that actors-turned-musicians are all we have left. You’d think we’d have learned our lesson from Bruce Willis.
