A WAVE of refugees from Dubai is coming, and as ever kind-hearted Britons will do anything they can to help. Here’s how you can give them a home:
Clear the back bedroom
Have you got a largely unused back bedroom, some black mould in corners, that you can open up for an ex-resident of Dubai’s exclusive Il Primo tower? Stack cardboard boxes in a corner as a reminder of their former home and change the sheets if the cat’s been sleeping on them. Leave the exercise bike there, like the gym they used to have.
Secure them a job
Used to a busy lifestyle of maintaining their tax affairs in Dubai, they won’t want to be idle. So get them a minimum-wage evening-and-weekend-shifts position at the local Spar, which will provide not only the dignity of work but a wage and uniform. They’re used to being up late anyway to avoid the punishing desert heat, so it dovetails perfectly.
Provide social opportunities
There may not be 83rd floor cigar bars overlooking the glittering city, but Warrington can provide the same thrills; there’s a flat-roofed pub on the estate which has a lock-in where you can smoke, Jorden hasn’t got a Lamborghini supercar but he has got a pretty modded-up Golf, and Preston Brook Wharf is a lot like Dubai Marina if you’ve had a few.
Substitute leisure activities
Sadly their days of quad-biking around the desert at the weekend are over, but the dunes at Blyth aren’t dissimilar and a stolen BMX can usually be bought for less than £30. And while camels are unavailable, a side-hustle walking rescued greyhounds and picking up their shit will unavoidably remind them of when they used to have disposable income.
Provide their favourite foods
Accustomed to luxury, an approximation of the same can be obtained from any branch of Home Bargains. Snap up bars of Dubai chocolate from the reduced section, get a frozen microwave curry to simulate the dining experience of the Michelin-starred Tresind Studio, and for dessert? Spray a meringue gold with Halfords Gold Metallic Car Spray Paint.
Impose extreme restrictions on free speech
One aspect of Dubai living your guests will certainly miss is not being allowed to criticise their hosts on pain of imprisonment. Reproduce this by threatening to beat the living shit out of them if they dare utter a single word of complaint about their circumstances. Their cringing smiles of fear will really give them – and you – that wonderful Dubai feeling.
