AM I being too macho in my handling of the war with Iran? No. Here’s how I plan to make the US military not just the most powerful in the world, but also the most toxically masculine.
Stupider names for soldiers
You may have noticed that I call our guys ‘warfighters’ because ‘soldiers’ isn’t macho enough. However I feel we could come up with something even more aggressive, like ‘totally badass death reapers’. I don’t think that will undermine the gravity of the situation.
Testosterone injections
Testosterone builds the muscles and erratic behaviour men need, so I’m making all our warfighters inject themselves daily with 40 times the amount of testosterone produced by the average 17-year-old. Their levels of aggression are excellent, although we are having problems with pilots missing targets due to masturbating during bombing runs.
More war clichés
I’ve already said ‘War is hell’ and it felt great. Soon I intend to say ‘The only good Iranian is a dead Iranian’ and I’m currently authorising the use of napalm on civilian targets so I can say ‘I love the smell of napalm in the morning’. And yes, I will be shirtless to show off my supposedly ripped torso which actually has weird flabby bits.
More pull-ups
Pull-ups are the true measure of your worth as a man. I can do 50 with ease, and all military personnel will be expected to be able to do the same. All those YouTube videos of me desperately struggling to to get my chin anywhere near the bar are fake news.
Military funerals to celebrate war more
As I’ve already explained, death is inevitable in war, so stop hassling me about it. I also feel that sad military funerals are bad PR, so let’s make them a celebration of US military might. The pastor can give the service from the cockpit of an F-35 parked next to the grave, and as the coffin is lowered into the ground everyone can rock out to Kenny Loggins’ Danger Zone.
No more pussy ‘facts’
Real men rely on their instincts and refuse to get bogged down in sissy details like ‘facts’. Yesterday I claimed an Iranian guy had tried to assassinate Trump but strangely no one had heard of it until then. Was that a lie? It doesn’t matter now we’re not doing facts anymore.
All warfighters to get cool names
In films military personnel have macho nicknames like Mad Dog, Animal Mother and Hangman, but in real life they’re just called Gary and John. So as of today all warfighters will have their names legally changed to something tougher-sounding. From now on I’d thank you to call me Iceman Maverick.
