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We ask you: Which aspect of Rachel Reeves's Spring Statement means she should resign immediately?

THE chancellor delivered a budget update yesterday, and only actual war stopped this being the most apocalyptic event the world has ever known. Why must she resign? 

Donna Sheridan, Uber driver: “Because spring doesn’t begin until the vernal equinox on March 20th. She stood up and lied to the public. Lied right to our f**king faces.”

Norman Steele, parking attendant: “A million young people out of work. Can we get them all together for a cross-Britain game of British Bulldog? It’s always popular at Scouts.”

Nathan Muir, insurance salesman: “Sickeningly weak growth. Downgraded from 1.4 per cent to 1.1 per cent? What is this, my erection?”

Jordan Gardner, picture straightener: “Apparently she’s using the tax take to pay off Tory debts. Idiotic. We should simply stamp the bills ‘not at this address’ when they come through, denying all knowledge.”

Helen Archer, lepidopterist: “A million more pensioners are paying income tax. Where are they going to get it from? They can’t all be on OnlyFans.”

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America wins: Trump's one-point plan for war, broken down

TRUMP has not yet revealed his aims and targeted outcomes in conflict with Iran, because they are the two words ‘America wins’. We break that down: 

America wins part one: airstrikes

In this stage, America wins because it is destroying Iranian military capabilities with hundreds of millions of dollars of missiles, as a winner would do. This also proves America is strong because it does what Israel wants it to.

America wins part two: Iran retaliates

Iran’s retaliation, sending thousands of missiles to strike neighbouring states allied with America, is a win for America because no American targets are hit. Trump was therefore right to begin this risk-free war.

America wins part three: more airstrikes

It is necessary to be resolute and stay the course in war, and Trump is prepared to do so for however many weeks it takes providing they do not exceed five.

America wins part four: Iran closes Straits of Hormuz

Unfortunately, being physically within the Gulf region and not on a different continent an ocean away gives Iran certain military advantages. These will only raise the price of oil, destabilise the global order and cause massive economic shocks, so can be discounted.

America wins part five: Trump announces win

Nothing is real until announced by Trump, so his declaration when meeting press that America is winning so much it has broken into a hitherto unknown realm of winning called The Winworld means this is now established fact.

America wins part six: Other countries exhorted to join in the win

The US, like its president, would never be selfish about its wins. So other nations, whether Iran’s neighbours or European powers, are invited to join in the win by defending their own bases, shipping lanes or sovereign territory in perpetuity.

America wins part seven: America walks away

Win secured, why would America hang around? There’s only so much glory to bask in. So, after an amazing few weeks of winning, the US withdraws all troops, ships and air support and goes home. Enjoy the win, everyone. No complaining now.

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