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Correct, Mr President: Ed Davey is our modern Churchill

DONALD Trump has been commended for recognising that Keir Starmer is not Winston Churchill because his modern counterpart is Ed Davey. 

The UK has agreed that the Lib Dem leader, a charismatic, balding firebrand with bulldog features who would be the nation’s first choice as prime minister in times of war, is without doubt the Churchill for our time and expects Trump to announce that shortly.

Bill McKay of Ealing said: “I’ve never seen Ed Davey puffing away on a comically large cigar, but I can certainly imagine it. An exploding one, knowing him.

“You can see in every pratfall he takes off a paddleboard that he has the makings of a great military leader who would inspire the nation with stirring speeches. Then trip over his own feet, tumble down a spiral staircase and leap triumphantly up, unharmed.”

Retail worker Nikki Hollis said: “If I trust anyone to lead this country through dark times, it’s Davey. No doubt he’s dogged by depression and a heavy drinker but valiantly fights through it by going down waterslides.

“It’s absurd his face isn’t on banknotes already. Does he really need to prove himself by saving the Western world from tyranny? Feels like a needless formality at this point.”

Boris Johnson said: “I based my career, nay, my entire identity on Ed Davey. Although next to him I am but a pale imitation.”

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65 per cent of webinar participants emptying dishwasher

ATTENDING an online seminar is a fantastic opportunity to get stuff done while some arsehole is droning on about bullshit, research has found. 

The Institute of Studies found that online presentations, without any need for attendees to participate or turn cameras and microphones, are incredibly productive in the sense of getting the washing hung out, the dog brushed and the grouting deep-cleaning.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It is a basic human urge to f**k about doing stuff when someone is talking, especially if they’re talking about work.

“A webinar? Our research shows that this time, when an employee is least engaged in work, is often their most productive hour of the day.

“Not for employers, no, but in terms of folding washing, trimming nosehair and applying beauty treatments, it’s really getting tasks ticked off. And over half those surveyed found they still had a rudimentary, one-line understanding of what the webinar was about.”

Hybrid worker Joshua Hudson said added: “I did all the paperwork for my recent house move during a webinar about data-centred analysis of retail park footfall in the West Midlands. It’s saved me hours I can now spend drinking alone.

“If they ever make me have my camera on, I’m leaving the company.”

Webinar host Oliver O’Connor said: “I know nobody’s listening. I pop on a recording of myself back from when I still had hope and get on with weeding the garden.”

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