FRANCE is sending warships to defend the RAF base in Cyprus, an act of humiliation likely to put gammons in cardiac wards. Here’s how to cope with this naval cuckery:
Say ‘Nelson must be spinning in his grave’
Yes, our greatest admiral must be rotating like a centrifuge. Or it’s possible that a brilliant naval tactician who allied with Prussia and Russia would have accepted that geopolitical allegiances change over time and not give a shit.
Watch Sink the Bismarck!
Cleanse your palate of the bitter taste of humiliation with a film about a decisive British naval victory. Sink the Bismarck! does what it says on the tin, but frankly any classic war film where the Brits win will lift your spirits. Zulu is a particular favourite, for reasons you don’t say out loud.
Remember French failures
They were useless in two world wars and Dien Bien Phu, but it doesn’t stop with the military. Has anyone ever had a pleasant journey in a 2CV? Was Brigitte Bardot ever as fit as Jenny Agutter or Diana Rigg? We invented the jet engine and the internet. All the frogs managed was the hair dryer.
Take revenge
The healthiest way to deal with your emotions is petty revenge. Chose a Gallic target such as Café Rouge, order a croque monsieur and leave without paying. Not so superior now, are we Macron?
Watch for health red flags
Monitor your health while you monitor this debacle. If GB News is giving you the worst headache of your life, change channels because that’s an aneurysm. If it’s chest pains and dizziness, that’s a heart attack. Switch to something calming like Antiques Road Trip. Remember, your country needs you.
Say ‘This wouldn’t have happened with Farage in charge!’
Reassure yourself that Britain won’t be humiliated like this when your French-named hero with his French girlfriend is in power restoring the British navy to its full imperial glory. Ignore that he can’t even win a by-election.
Cheer if the French bugger it up
There’s nothing like a bit of schadenfreude, even if that’s German, so celebrate if the French fail and Cyprus is hit by more drones. Sure, it puts British personnel at risk, but any true patriot agrees sneering at foreigners is the most important thing.
