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'Yeah, I hate to back Starmer, but can we stay the f**k out of this war?'

By Martin Bishop, aged 53, who is normally as pro-war as anyone

LOOK, I’m no Labour supporter. Starmer? More like f**king Stalin as far as I’m concerned. So I hate to say it but I’m with the twat on not leaping into this war. 

I know, I know, it’s giving a terrorist regime the scrap they’ve been asking for, it’s Trump showing the libs you can act and not just bang on, Israel’s well up for the ruck, it should be totally my thing. 

The Tories are into it, cause Kemi needs an outlet for her aggression. Farage loves it because it’s war as it should be fought, against foreigners with minimal UK casualties. 

But weirdly, I’m not feeling this one. I think it’s Iraq. You know, what with it being so similar in name to Iran, and right next door, and the fact that we spent 20 f**king years there at a cost of millions and achieved precisely f**k all. 

In fact, are we still there? I know we pulled out of Afghanistan not long ago after a couple of decades of war and it went right back to how it was within, like, days. Which suggests it was a total waste of our time, bullets and Prince Harry. 

And admittedly I watch a lot of YouTube videos about historic tank battles to relax, but planning is a big thing in war. Generals really sit down with maps and go through variables. Whereas Trump seems to have pulled this whole thing out of his arse. 

I get it. Starmer’s a coward. A drone exploded in Cyprus so load up the battleships and get balls-deep into war. The lads on Raise the Colours are unequivocal. 

Let’s just, you know, sit this one out for a bit. See how it goes. Wouldn’t do us any harm to skip one like we did Vietnam. I’m with Keir on this. But bollocks am I voting for him. 

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Gig ticket cost to be inversely linked to how many new songs they play

THE price of concert tickets will now be reduced based on how many tracks from their new album nobody gives a f**k about the audience has to endure. 

New government guidelines mean legacy acts who insist their new music is relevant or wanted must cut ticket prices by up to 95 per cent, while those who play only the hits will be rewarded accordingly.

Culture secretary Lisa Nandy said: “Sick of being ripped off by David Byrne playing solo shite when the whole audience wants Talking Heads? Now you won’t have to.

“Acts like Oasis, who proudly refuse to bore their fans with any track recorded post-2000, can keep every penny of the £400 they asked of their fans. Morrissey? Can legally only charge £3.26.

“It’s time these so-called artists got the message: we’re only interested in the hits you had when you were young and vital. Your new material sickens us.”

The rule will apply across the board, with Bon Jovi at Wembley Stadium facing severe penalties if they play any track recorded post-Greatest Hits. Meanwhile, EMF will lose out on 15 per cent of the door at the Exeter Phoenix if they play anything but Unbelievable.

Pop acts like Harry Styles whose new material is popular are exempt, because nobody goes to see them except girls anyway.

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