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The last five people who might still like Keir Starmer

TRUMP has added Keir Starmer to his Losers’ List after the prime minister refused to let him use our bases for bombing. These are the last five people who may still like him: 

Anyone who doesn’t follow the news

If you voted for ‘no more drama’ in 2024 and then stopped paying attention, you’re happy enough. Keir looks professional enough with his glasses and neat side parting if you don’t really care who he is or what he does. His awkwardly squirming through press briefings has a calming effect too, like the background hum of a fridge freezer.

His childhood best friend

Their Reigate Grammar days are in the past, but the formative memories are with you for life. There was that time Starmer stepped in to stop a fight before changing his mind and siding with the bullies, and who could forget when he successfully argued for more homework? It’s reassuring to this old friend that Starmer hasn’t changed a bit.

The most centrist of dads

Politically homeless centrist dads still like Starmer by default. They’re never going back to the Tories, and Reform are out of the question. The Greens are new and scary and the Lib Dems are too accurate a reflection of their own impotence. So via a grim process of elimination they retain their grudging tolerance for Starmer.

His wife

She sort of has to, what with being married to him. And a high status job helps to make him appear more attractive than he actually is. But as she lies awake at night next to him, she’ll surely question whether she actually likes her husband anymore or if she’s just used to him. And if she wouldn’t prefer Angela Rayner.

Keir Starmer

Keir Starmer loved himself when he first got elected. He looked himself in the mirror every morning with a thin smile. Two years later, it’s a different story. Each day is a new humiliation with no reprieve in sight. He doesn’t hate himself like the public does, but the idea of faking his death and adopting a new identity has been investigated.

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Pete Tong, and other celebrities who picked the worst careers for getting old

PETE Tong, once the Pied Piper of the rave generation, is now 65 and still doing it. And DJ isn’t the only job it’s tricky to be old and wizened in, as these celebs have learned: 

Tamara Beckwith: it girl

Being quite pretty, reasonably posh and going to parties isn’t the most solid basis for a career, and Tamara’s has gone off the boil somewhat at the age of 55. Could she have a second coming as a glamorous elder advertising Saga holidays, walk-in baths and bedside commodes to the Met Bar set, or will the All Saints steal those jobs?

Pete Tong: DJ

Clubbing is inherently a young person’s activity, due to the lateness and Ministry of Sound not doing ‘pie and a pint’ nights. Pete seems to be coping but you know as he spins the latest Afro house tune that inwardly he’s muttering ‘in my day music had a bloody tune you could whistle, like DJ Misjah & DJ Tim’s Access’. 

Harrison Ford: action hero

Action roles are a problem for geriatrics, and Harrison neglected to cultivate a long-running role where he moves around sedately like Patrick Stewart as Professor X. He broke a leg filming The Force Awakens and tore a shoulder muscle in the last Indiana Jones, and in both films the expression on his face made it abundantly clear it was not worth it.

Pamela Anderson: Baywatch babe

Sex symbol is a tough career post-menopause. The media loves to shame female celebs who refused to halt the ageing process almost as much as those who did. Pammie’s brief, fake relationship with Liam Neeson was treated with the same condescension as when eldsters shack up in the nursing home. Not great when you’re only 58.

James Brown: lad guru 

Loaded editor James Brown was central to laddism in the 90s. Now he’s forced to constantly relive those years in every single interview, like some hellish Groundhog Day where he has to talk about trainers, football and Jo Guest in an unending loop.

John Lydon: punk

Ideally punks die young like Sid Vicious or Johnny Thunders, because the alternatives are becoming a sellout with a mortgage or continually trying to shock others at an undignified age. John chose the latter, but is supporting Brexit and Trump shocking from an old white man? The only thing stopping him becoming a golf club bore are his f**king stupid clothes.

Zoe Ball: ladette

Zoe was dubbed a ‘ladette’ in the 90s and to this day the media refer to it constantly despite her now being mumsier than your mum. Unfair to expect a 55-year-old to lead a party lifestyle when hangovers do not seem survivable and the entire bill at Glastonbury is less alluring than your own soft bed.

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