By Sophie Rodriguez, aged 22 with 380,000 followers and zero real world experience
WAR? Not my aesthetic. Not a fit with a brand based around being blessed, swimsuit collaborations and posing by infinity pools.
I’ll fight if I had to – I threw hands when a random Shenzhen bitch stepped into my livestream at a Dior opening – but this conflict is mad disruptive to my content calendar. SPF recommends while sheltering in place seem off, you know?
I never thought conflict would hit Dubai. I never even followed Ayah Tollah. But aren’t Iran scared to take on the country that created an edible gold and camel milk cappuccino served on a crane at 35,000 feet?
My first clue something was up was when brunch got cancelled. Then I heard the Burj Al Arab had been hit and they didn’t offer me a suite so karma. Which is actually an Islam belief.
But we soon realised there were no flights, no yachts, no jetskis, nothing. Not even for those with Emirates Skywards Platinum. It was like 9/11 or COVID or when Molly Mae and Tommy split up.
Is the Dubai Mall still able to bring in Birkin bags? Can Ozempic be airdropped? Can I switch my OnlyFans to a refugee vibe? The Ukrainians f**king stole that.
Iran can’t win against a government that had the vision and foresight to build a city using just initiative, oil and slaves. But as displaced peoples everywhere know, when you can’t get a manicurist over it’s time to run.
Initially, getting stressed climbing over a border fence with visible cleavage would harvest engagement. But even arriving at Heathrow I’d be filmed by thousands of people making the wanker signs and saying ‘Welcome back from HMRC’.
Also I’ve made 400 videos showing off my jewellery and Rolexes, explaining I can only wear them here because of crime in the UK, and if I come back people would expect me to have them when they’re sort of back at the shops which own them.
If it must be war, I’ll be brave and step up. I shall thirst trap on the beaches. I shall pout on the landing grounds. I shall never, ever surrender.
