Governments desperate to find cure for coronavirus before cure for capitalism discovered

GOVERNMENTS globally are rushing to discover a cure and vaccine for COVID-19 before they accidentally find a cure for capitalism. 

The pandemic is forcing countries around the world to face a number of difficult questions, of which capitalism appears to be the answer to none.

Denys Finch Hatton of the International Monetary Fund said: “The actions we are taking to fight this virus – high unemployment funds, housing the homeless, forgiving billions in public debt – are also solving the problems of the free market, which must not happen.

“In America it’s even worse. They are having to stop people losing their houses for getting ill. What if this lasts for years? It could change everything.

“We need a vaccine, and we need to be able to make money off it, and everyone to have to work to be able to keep vaccinated, and we will administer the funds.”

Sovereign wealth fund manager Martin Bishop said: “At the end of this, I need to be 30 per cent richer or it’s been a waste of time.”

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Cat considering charging you rent

A CAT has confirmed that it is considering charging its owner rent to cover the amount of time he is spending in its house. 

Five-year-old black cat Steve Malley said that he was initially willing to take the hit given the circumstances, but now this seems permanent he has little choice.

He continued: “The first couple of weeks, I was like ‘Oh, okay, you’re here all day again. Like yesterday, and the day before. Fine. I’ll cope.

“And yeah, I guess I took advantage and got a few extra treats. But given that this isn’t going away, I think we need to move things onto a more formal basis.

“Let’s start it at an extra £235 a week, with the understanding that I get first refusal on all patches of sunlight and you knock before coming into the back yard.”

He added: “I can go out and get that virus you’re so frightened of and bring it back here this afternoon. Deal on the rent? Deal.”