Greetings from… the Port of Dover

HELLO! We’re having a blast here in the static queue to the Port of Dover. Wish you were here!

I’m writing to you from the gridlocked traffic patiently waiting on the A2 Jubilee Way, where lines of cars and coaches stretch for as far as the eye can see. It’s a truly breathtaking panorama that’s as impressive as they make it sound on the news.

This place has got it all, except toilets, food, and all the sights and sounds of the actual holiday I’d booked. Not to worry though, we all make do by relieving ourselves on the side of the road or in a plastic bottle. It certainly beats camping!

We’ve met all sorts of interesting people. There’s a real mix of classes, from children from private schools on cancelled ski trips to Romanian HGV drivers saying ‘No more Britain jobs. Ever’ while giving us a cheerful thumbs-up. How lucky are we?

I’m not usually one to thank the French, but you’ve got to hand it to them. If they were checking passports more efficiently – which I’m assured is the sole reason for the delays – we would have been robbed of this once in a lifetime 17-hour tailback.

Anyway, must dash. The car in front has lurched forwards half an inch and if I don’t catch up then hundreds of motorists behind me will instantly lose their shit. It’s such fun! I’m definitely coming back next year.

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'Posh boys go on a bad all-inclusive': Lord of The Flies and five other books you half-remember from A-level

ALL those hours studying set texts certainly left you with an enduring love of literature, because there are six whole books you sort of remember going a bit like this: 

Lord Of The Flies by William Golding

A group of posh kids go on a bad all-inclusive to somewhere tropical. When they’re finally sick of big-name DJs and chips every night, they bash the porkiest kid’s head in with a conch shell for a laugh.

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Elizabeth Bennett has six ugly sisters who can’t seem to get husbands until a gorgeous Colin Firth walks out of a lake, not even stammering. You’re hazy on why it takes Lizzie and Darcy ages to shag, but it’s probably because they’re busy going to a lot of balls.

Animal Farm by George Orwell

All the animals are happy on the farm until a pig with a Stalin moustache comes along and makes them all stand on two legs and work in factories. They revolt and send him to Room 101 as revenge.

Of Mice And Men by John Steinbeck

Two best mates go odd-jobbing around California on their gap year, until the stupid one sits on a mouse and everyone gets annoyed and shoots him. A startling tale that really drives home the message about excessive gun violence.

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

Victor Frankenstein sews together lots of bits from dead bodies and makes a man, also called Frankenstein, who he teaches to speak proper and live in normal society. All goes well until Frankenstein Jr goes mad because Igor got a criminal brain from the jars.

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

A wealthy incel called Great Gatsby buys a house right opposite his ex and keeps her up all night by flashing a green light and throwing fabulous 1920s-themed parties. Eventually Daisy does the right thing and drowns him in his own swimming pool.