RUSSIA could easily invade the UK next. Here socially awkward fantasist Tom Logan explains how he’d form a resistance movement after watching Red Dawn too many times.
Steal weapons
Britain’s namby pamby gun laws mean we’d have to get AK-74s off Russian troops by sneaking up behind them and breaking their necks. Fortunately I’ve done loads of stealth kills in computer games, and it’s no harder than getting the lid off a jam jar.
Assemble a squad
Ideally your unit would have SAS training, but I couldn’t count on that in Nantwich, so I’d pick anyone with military potential. It would be good if the girls were fit too, like Jennifer Grey in Red Dawn. It’ll be nice to talk to real people for once instead of just going on the forums on Outpost Gallifrey.
Do clever ambushes
I’d distract the Russians – probably Spetsnaz commandos – by opening fire from the roof of Boots. Then my squad would jump up from wheelie bins and take them out with AKs and petrol bombs. I should really be military top brass with this brilliant tactical thinking.
Use your local terrain
Use your local knowledge to identify locations for weapons caches and sniper attacks. I know the Nantwich area like the back of my hand because I still live with my mum and dad. Which isn’t that unusual when you’re 28, actually.
Save Clare in Tesco
I’d rescue Clare, the pretty one at Tesco, from lecherous Russian troops and she’d be so grateful she’d go out with me. (It’d be easier to ask her to go for a coffee rather than wait for Putin to invade, but talking to girls brings on my terrible sweat problem.)
Train yourself to resist torture
Any soldier must accept the risk of capture and torture. I’ve been increasing my pain threshold by wearing a rubber band on my wrist and pinging it really hard every 20 minutes. It really stings, so soon it’ll be impossible to make me talk.
Gradually liberate all of Britain
My band of freedom fighters would inspire others. Faced with an unwinnable guerrilla war, the Russians would go home. Putin would be sacked, I’d be a hero and loads of girls would fancy me. So basically if Russia invades it’d be great and I wouldn’t be a virgin anymore.
