How I'd fight back if the Russians invaded Nantwich, by a man from Nantwich

RUSSIA could easily invade the UK next. Here socially awkward fantasist Tom Logan explains how he’d form a resistance movement after watching Red Dawn too many times.

Steal weapons

Britain’s namby pamby gun laws mean we’d have to get AK-74s off Russian troops by sneaking up behind them and breaking their necks. Fortunately I’ve done loads of stealth kills in computer games, and it’s no harder than getting the lid off a jam jar.

Assemble a squad

Ideally your unit would have SAS training, but I couldn’t count on that in Nantwich, so I’d pick anyone with military potential. It would be good if the girls were fit too, like Jennifer Grey in Red Dawn. It’ll be nice to talk to real people for once instead of just going on the forums on Outpost Gallifrey.

Do clever ambushes

I’d distract the Russians – probably Spetsnaz commandos – by opening fire from the roof of Boots. Then my squad would jump up from wheelie bins and take them out with AKs and petrol bombs. I should really be military top brass with this brilliant tactical thinking.

Use your local terrain

Use your local knowledge to identify locations for weapons caches and sniper attacks. I know the Nantwich area like the back of my hand because I still live with my mum and dad. Which isn’t that unusual when you’re 28, actually. 

Save Clare in Tesco 

I’d rescue Clare, the pretty one at Tesco, from lecherous Russian troops and she’d be so grateful she’d go out with me. (It’d be easier to ask her to go for a coffee rather than wait for Putin to invade, but talking to girls brings on my terrible sweat problem.)

Train yourself to resist torture 

Any soldier must accept the risk of capture and torture. I’ve been increasing my pain threshold by wearing a rubber band on my wrist and pinging it really hard every 20 minutes. It really stings, so soon it’ll be impossible to make me talk.

Gradually liberate all of Britain

My band of freedom fighters would inspire others. Faced with an unwinnable guerrilla war, the Russians would go home. Putin would be sacked, I’d be a hero and loads of girls would fancy me. So basically if Russia invades it’d be great and I wouldn’t be a virgin anymore.

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18-year-old twat gets car for birthday

AN 18-year-old boy is celebrating being the only twat in his year spoilt enough to be given a brand new car for his birthday.

Joshua Hudson’s parents bought him a Volkswagen Polo and put a big bow on the bonnet, ready for him to nearly crash into a lamp post the second he pulled out of the drive.

Friend Ryan Whittaker said: “Josh being an entitled little prick is a double-edged sword for me. The fact that his parents give him whatever he wants is annoying, but I know I’m going to enjoy hotboxing the car with him on the way home from sixth form.

“I expect he’ll drive it into the back of a van at a roundabout within the first couple of days. It’ll be funny watching him panic and grovel as he gets shouted at by an angry plumber while I film it all for TikTok.”

Ex-girlfriend Nikki Hollis commented: “If I knew Josh was going to be getting a car I wouldn’t have dumped him. He’s a terrible kisser but I’d have been prepared to put up with his inept fumbling if we could have gone to the KFC drive-thru afterwards.”

Joshua Hudson said: “I’d rather have had a Golf, to be honest. And I’ll get one, as soon as I write this Polo off and go crying to mummy and daddy.”