How much money would it take for you to just f**k off? world asks Trump

THE global population has asked Donald Trump to name his price for fucking off and never coming back.

After the US ‘president’ once again defended self-proclaimed Nazis, billions of people agreed it was time to put their hands in their pockets.

Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: “There’s about seven billion of us so if we all chip in an average of one dollar each, surely that would be enough.

“He loves money so he must have a price. Then he can go back to his golf courses full time and surround himself with like-minded, property developing twats.

“And it would it mean he could finally pay off the Russians to whom he obviously owes a huge amount of money.”

Sanjay Patel, from Delhi, said: “I’m in.”

Zhang Wei, from Beijing, added: “I’ve set up a crowdfunding thing. Let’s get this done.”

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Cat judging owner for taking it out on lead

A CAT being taken for a walk on a lead has condemned its owner as ‘a weirdo’, along with everyone else in the park.

Tabby cat Sheeran, who has resisted his name from the beginning, is always humiliated by the looks he gets on his weekly walk with owner Nikki Hollis, who believes it is a welcome break from the snug one bedroom flat they share.

Sheeran said: “Nikki thinks I get ‘pent up’ at home. Sure, some days I’m pissed off but that’s not why I shredded her curtains, sofa and rug. That’s because I think she has shit taste.”

Hollis said: “The breeder said he is a Norwegian forest cat, so he craves walking long distances and being out in the open, which is hard living in a second floor flat in the middle of Croydon.

“People can stare all they want – I know I’m doing what’s best for my little puss-pusscat. I can see how happy being out and about makes him”.

Sheeran added: “The breeder made up that bullshit about my Nordic heritage so she could charge more. I know for a fact my Dad was from a street gang in Didcot and my Mum had a gammy eye.

“If I’m a pedigree, then Nikki’s a well-adjusted woman who’s definitely not out of her mind.”