Friday, 4th December 2020

How to be a huge pain in the arse about getting fired, by Donald Trump

ANGRY and in denial about getting fired? You probably can’t let a few nukes fly like I’m going to, but try these tips: 

Pretend it hasn’t happened

If you keep going to work like nothing has changed, what are they going to do? Having security march you out when you’re found by the Nespresso machine for the fifth week running would be embarassing. I’m staying president until the Secret Service carry me out.

Damage the company

You know, like delete a few thousand important spreadsheets, order 900 new bottles for the water cooler, or abolish democracy. Personally, I’m going to inflame global tensions and let Covid run rampant, but whatever floats your boat.

File a lawsuit

Did you deserve to be fired? Yes? Then file a lawsuit. It’s a colossal waste of time and money and you know you won’t win, but why give them the satisfaction?

Ignore reality

Eventually your denial will become so concerning that someone close to you will try to explain that it’s over. Disregard them. There’s always a new sycophant available to agree that you’ve suffered a terrible, historic injustice, even if you were fired for stealing and are on trial next week.

Play golf

Avoid the meeting where they’re going to fire you by playing golf. If they try to reschedule, play golf then too. Whenever something bad is going to happen, play golf. Golf makes all the bad things go away.