How to be a huge pain in the arse about getting fired, by Donald Trump

ANGRY and in denial about getting fired? You probably can’t let a few nukes fly like I’m going to, but try these tips: 

Pretend it hasn’t happened

If you keep going to work like nothing has changed, what are they going to do? Having security march you out when you’re found by the Nespresso machine for the fifth week running would be embarassing. I’m staying president until the Secret Service carry me out.

Damage the company

You know, like delete a few thousand important spreadsheets, order 900 new bottles for the water cooler, or abolish democracy. Personally, I’m going to inflame global tensions and let Covid run rampant, but whatever floats your boat.

File a lawsuit

Did you deserve to be fired? Yes? Then file a lawsuit. It’s a colossal waste of time and money and you know you won’t win, but why give them the satisfaction?

Ignore reality

Eventually your denial will become so concerning that someone close to you will try to explain that it’s over. Disregard them. There’s always a new sycophant available to agree that you’ve suffered a terrible, historic injustice, even if you were fired for stealing and are on trial next week.

Play golf

Avoid the meeting where they’re going to fire you by playing golf. If they try to reschedule, play golf then too. Whenever something bad is going to happen, play golf. Golf makes all the bad things go away.

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Brexiters first: the order in which Britain will be given the vaccine and why

THE government has announced the order in which a Covid vaccine will be administered to Britain’s population. Find out where you are on the list: 

Care workers, beginning with the most caring worker of all, the Queen

The over-80s, after a quick test to ensure they will not have a reaction against the vaccine which may seem to be centred on your voting record and intentions but is entirely medical

Health workers, beginning with the healthiest worker of all, Boris Johnson

The over-75s, following a short visual test for sufficient levels of xenophobia

Key workers including utilities workers, food distribution workers, police, HGV drivers, and social workers but not teachers, because they don’t deserve it

The over-65s, providing their comments on Daily Mail stories pass a bigotry audit

Members of Parliament with an impeccable pro-Government voting record

High-risk adults under 65 wearing poppies

Moderate-risk adults under 65 willing to sign a legally binding pledge of allegiance to Boris Johnson

Honorary key workers including company directors, hedge fund managers, recruitment agents, estate agents and the independently wealthy

The South-East, excluding London

The South-West, excluding Bristol

Red Wall seats across the Midlands and North

Wales, grudgingly

SPADs

Anyone who has ever been employed by the BBC in any capacity

Lefties

Remainers

Scotland, but not before December 31st 2029