Sunday, 16th May 2021

How to be an embarrassing little b*llend at work like a Brexit MEP

KEEN to be a rude sh*t and humiliate yourself at work, like the Brexit Party’s MEPs did by turning their backs on the EU anthem? Read on!

Whine endlessly about not wanting to be there

No-one wants to go to work. But acting like the job you ran for and got is a shock and embarrassment to you, while of course collecting your pay and daily expenses, means that everyone will slowly shake their heads in disgusted disbelief whenever they see you.

Make a stand about something pathetically petty

Embarrass yourself by making a big self-righteous fuss about something utterly stupid, like wanting your tea in a Union Jack mug or being given an iPad. You’ll look like a d*ck but like all d*cks you’re too much of a d*ck to realise it.

Act like a petulant toddler in meetings

Not getting your way? Show how you feel through a childish display of frustration, such as holding your breath until your face turns blue or crapping in your pants. Portugal will definitely respect you then.

Be obnoxious to your colleagues

You think acting like a posturing teenager makes you look cool and rebellious, when in fact it makes you look f*cking idiotic. Your colleagues hate you but refuse to give you the satisfaction of telling you to your face.

Go home at night and cry

Everyone else is meeting for moule frites and glasses of Leffe in a bar, but you weren’t invited. Instead you go back to your rented flat in the city you profess to hate after a day looking a loser in a job you’re not qualified for and cry yourself to sleep. Only five more years.