The barber's guide to being a pain in the a*se

ARE you a barber? Do you make haircuts as awkward as possible? Here’s a few things to try: 

Eschew any kind of appointment system as unmanly

Appointments? Where people call and book a time? Rather than sitting waiting for up to an hour, looking through carp magazines and old copies of the Daily Star? F*ck off.

Openly despise ‘long’ hair  

Barber? Don’t conceal your contempt for any customer asking for anything fancier than the shaved crop of Ross Kemp. They will thoroughly enjoy being made to feel like a dangerous hippy anarchist when coming in for a quick trim.

Talk extensively about obscure family issues 

Has your brother-in-law fallen out with the other weirdos at his spiritualist church? Or perhaps your niece sold some gerbils to her neighbour for £1 and hasn’t been paid? These burning issues will be of great interest to your captive clients.

Hassle customers about when they last had their hair cut

If someone says they had their hair cut about a month ago and you, thanks to your specialist hairdressing knowledge, know it was more like six weeks, pounce on this blatant lie like an SS officer interrogating a suspected member of the French Resistance.

Sulk because the customer doesn’t like football

You’re a man. A fully grown adult male who happens to cut hair. So when a customer admits he is not that interested in the footie go completely silent and have a massive sulk like a five-year-old girl.

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Controversial houseshare advert specifies 'no d*ckheads'

AN advertisement for a fourth person to share a London flat has sparked controversy by asking d*ckheads not to apply. 

The advert, for ‘large room, Acton semi-detached, close to tube, friendly housemates’, has angered the capital’s large and vocal d*ckhead community by excluding them from consideration.

D*ckhead Tom Booker said: “What the hell? What, just because I’m a massive d*ckhead doesn’t mean I’m a person too?

“Do I steal my housemates’ food? Absolutely. Will I have coked-up parties with my mates on a Tuesday night? Certainly. Will I leave my bike locked to the hall radiator, making it impossible to pass? It’s my trademark.

“But to bar me, along with so many of my d*ckhead friends, from decent accommodation is discrimination pure and simple. And we can’t live together because they’re such d*ckheads.

“An advert like this anywhere would be bad enough. But in London, where so many of us moved to be the d*ckheads we couldn’t be at home? It’s heartbreaking.”

Carolyn Ryan, who placed the original advert, said: “I’m sorry. But the guy who moved in turned out to be an absolutely definitive d*ckhead anyway, so it’s fine.”