Sunday, 16th May 2021

You'll never know how much we hate whales, says Japan

JAPAN has told the world that it will never understand how fiercely it detests whales or how joyous it feels to be slaughtering them again. 

The country resumed commercial whaling yesterday, with thousands dancing on docksides in sheer delight at the sight of their hated enemies being brought home dead.

Prime minister Shinzō Abe said: “Take that, you blubbery b*stards. And we won’t rest until we’ve killed every last one of you.

“It’s difficult to explain to you Western whale-hugging weirdos, but you know your book Moby Dick, about a man obsessively hunting one particular white whale? That’s us but with every single whale in the entire world.

“They’re fat, they sing those bloody awful mournful songs, they’re always eating lovely, friendly krill, and they keep coming to the surface blowing out water to taunt us.

“You’ve no idea how hard it’s been these last 30 years, letting them live. We’ve hardly slept at night. We’ve had to become a technological powerhouse just to distract ourselves.”

Abe added: “They’re actually as intelligent as humans. So they know full well what they did and why they have to pay.”