I feel a bit sorry for myself, says woman who delivered world’s largest superpower to fascism

THE woman who failed to stop the world’s largest military power falling to a rabid reality TV star has admitted feeling a bit sorry for herself. 

Hillary Clinton, who ran a presidential campaign so empty and entitled it allowed a tiny-eyed maniac to become leader of the free world, admitted that afterwards she felt so sad that she could not properly enjoy ice-cream. 

She continued: “My husband, Bill – you remember Bill, he was president for eight years which is why I thought it was fair I should be – was worried about me. 

“He was like ‘Hey, it’s a sunny day, we’re wealthy enough to survive the coming depression and not Muslim enough to get sent to the camps, let’s play some frisbee!’ 

“I couldn’t stop moping about that job I’d really set my heart on and didn’t want to go outside, even though rationally I knew I should before the drone-enforced curfews begin. 

“But I realised that millions of ordinary Americans were literally shitting themselves and bucked myself up.

“Now I’m cheerful again and planning our retirement in Paraguay where we’ll avoid the civil war, environmental catastrophe, and famine. Life is good!” 

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Man discovers surname means ‘he who masturbates moles’

AN AMATEUR genealogist has discovered that his surname derives from an ancestor’s habit of masturbating woodland animals.

Tom Logan undertook extensive research in the Institute for Studies’ archive, hoping to prove that his family name was distinguished by some great historical achievement.

He said: “Apparently ‘logue’ is Olde English for ‘mole’ and ‘an’ is an abbreviation of ‘wank’.

“So my surname translates literally as ‘mole wank’ or ‘wanker of moles’.”

Records show that Logan’s medieval relative Tomas ‘the Lowgan’ was arrested for masturbating moles, then imprisoned naked in a cage at a major crossroads which passersby would pelt with vegetables and dung while encouraging their children to mock him.

Logan added: “Apparently he was a trapper who sold mole pelts, and he believed that pleasuring the moles manually made their coats silkier.

“That seems reasonable enough to me. It’s a shame he was so misunderstood.”

He added: “What an amazing emotional journey this has been.”