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I’m making it up as I go along, says Pope

POPE Francis has admitted he is improvising, all the time.

“Yeah, let’s go with that.”

The Pope said his view on evolution and creation was ‘about five minutes old’ but that it ‘sounded pretty good in his head’.

His insisted his latest ad-hoc theory – that the Big Bang is real but it was an act of God – was ‘worth a punt’ because the science is ‘kind of theoretical anyway’.

He added: “My basic rule is ‘what can I get away with?’.

“The key thing that makes me different from my predecessors is that I don’t want to sound like a total freak.

“I sometimes imagine I’m talking to Stephen Fry. I know he won’t necessarily agree with me, but as long as he doesn’t actively scoff, then I just go ahead and say it.”

Pope Francis revealed that most mornings he will have a coffee, read the papers and then start forming ‘some nice, fresh opinions’.

“I’m probably going to say something quite soon about vegetarianism and whether or not animals have souls.

“I wouldn’t take it too seriously. I’m just an old Argentinian guy in a funny little hat.”

 

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After being cast as the hero in your first comic book film, you tell interviewers that of course you’re not a fan of the comics because you are an adult who has had sex.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You don’t want to sound like a hipster but you were into thinking Russell Brand was a dildo way before it was popular.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
After using Spotify on an iPhone via the 3 Network on a Southern Rail train, you reach the event horizon of absolute uselessness.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
No word from the Secret Escapes website yet on how they can get your sister out of her seven-stretch in Holloway.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Convince people you’re a high-powered businessman by shouting large numbers and threats on your mobile phone while on public transport.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Oh, right, when Robbie Williams sings his hits in the delivery room it’s ‘charming’ but when you do it you’re ‘not even an expectant father and we’re calling security’.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Commotion at the tapas restaurant on Saturday when you realise it’s actually a French restaurant and the table next to you demand the remains of their steak back.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
People say beige is such a boring colour but it certainly makes your day more interesting when your pee comes out that colour.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
While the imperative of art is toward a revealed truth, the execution of art is a concealment of that truth to express that truth through beauty. Oh, sorry, money worries this week. Yeah. Sorry.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? One in Blackpool in the midst of a hen party, perhaps?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Get that celeb vibe for your Halloween party by inviting 300 people you don’t know, not letting any of them in and sitting on your couch looking completely miserable all night.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and tongue of dog. Also contains monosodium glutamate and processed in a facility that may have contained peanuts.

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