I’m moving to Europe, says woman with no f**king clue what that would involve

A WOMAN who is fed up with the hassle of life in the UK has announced she is leaving to live an affordable and sophisticated life in continental Europe. 

Nikki Hollis of Bromsgrove has visited Europe twice, on a booze cruise to Calais and a hen weekend in Milan, and is confident moving there will be as simple as loading her stuff in a van and choosing a location.

She said: “Everything’s rubbish here: it’s freezing, the NHS is down the shitter and my electricity bill cost more than my wedding.

“Italy, on the other hand, is lovely. You can drink cappuccinos all day and proseccos all night. You don’t need heating because it’s dead sunny and Italians aren’t bothered about bills or paperwork or all that crap. They’re a relaxed Latin culture.

“As a nail artist I can work anywhere, and they all speak English. I’m going to give notice, hire a van, do a road trip and make my home in the first town I like the look of. Ciao.”

Husband Steven said: “Nikki’s an optimist but not a thinker. She doesn’t realise that Europe has winter, only tourist areas speak English, and the admin out there often involves presenting yourself to the town mayor and hoping he’s in a good mood.

“It’s not all flip-flops and fountains, and she refuses to hear that we can only stay 90 days post Brexit – which she voted for. But she is reconsidering now I’ve told her you can’t get salt-and-vinegar crisps.”

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Six parenting tips from your dad who got by on absolutely minimal input

YOUR father has so much to teach you about child-raising, even though he was largely at work, in the garage or out at a hardware store. Here’s how he nailed parenthood: 

‘Relax – they’re just kids’ 

Said when your delinquent children have refused all offers of food, sleep or phone games, this advice is both infuriating and revealing. Decades of distance from the reality of parenting, which for him was only ever a playfight every second Saturday, means he’s just as disengaged as he was then.

‘You can’t let them get away with things’

As driven by whim as a child himself, your father’s tolerance for challenging behaviour depends on his mood, how many whiskies he’s had and how well he parked the car this week. One minute they’re ‘only young once’ and the next he’s discussing the benefits of corporal punishment and military academies.

‘You never did this’ 

Not advice, but a phrase spoken enigmatically when your children are demonstrating your failings as a parent. Learning your child’s behaviour is aberrant even by the standards of your dysfunctional family is unhelpful and inaccurate as your father has no real clue about anything you’ve ever done, aside from the big events for which he took the photos.

‘You always did this’ 

Implies that your daughter’s shrieking is a genetic flaw passed down by awful daughter to awful granddaughter, without considering that if it’s genetic then that counts for him as well. Though if he did realise that he’d blame your mother.

‘You can only do so much’ 

He genuinely believes that he gave his all, within his own carefully maintained boundaries. After all he used to take you to classic car meets and once when your mum had flu took you in work. He mentions it at least six times a year.

‘They all turn out okay in the end’ 

Did you though? Does your Dad really think you did? Or was he always jetwashing the bins, unblocking the gutters or planing wood when you had emotional breakdowns and had to borrow two grand for rent? Perhaps he thinks that’s ample reward for the effort he put in. Fair enough.