Zahawi demands his tax back

NADHIM Zahawi has demanded that since he is sacked from the Cabinet because of his tax, he wants the £6 million back. 

After resigning as Conservative chairman, Zahawi is taking legal action on the grounds that if he had known he would lose his job regardless he would have kept the money.

He said: “Think I would have forked over that kind of wedge to HMRC on no more than their say-so? Get to f**k.

“I’d have volunteered to pay say ten per cent of it, arranged payments through a holding company, liquidated it and claimed it as tax credits. You’d be bloody paying me.

“But because I was chairman, and minister for equalities before that, and chancellor but honestly I never even made it to the office, I acted like I was any ordinary person facing a tax bill and settled it in full.

“However I’m no longer any of those things at least until Boris gets back so I’m suing for the full amount. And you’ll be paying my legal costs, too.

“You don’t pay the fine and get the points on your licence anyway, do you? You do? F**k that.”

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Cat would fat-shame you if it could talk

YOUR cat would make rude comments about your weight if it were capable of human speech, it has been confirmed.

Four-year-old tabby cat Wayne Hayes is limited to expressing his disdain for your body through scratches and tail flicks, but clearly thinks you could stand to lose a pound or seven.

Cat whisperer Mary Fisher said: “See how he arches his back and coughs up a fur ball when you open a packet of crisps? That’s his way of saying: ‘Give it a rest, lard-arse.’

“And the way he does an exaggerated bounce when you sit on the sofa? It speaks for itself but that’s him calling you a fat f**k. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger, I’m just saying what your cat and everyone else is thinking.

“Wayne isn’t exactly slender himself though, so maybe he’s projecting his internalised fatphobia onto you. That sounds like hypocritical dickhead behaviour, but remember it’s a cat we’re dealing with here.

“Either that or it’s the barrel-shaped bastard’s petty revenge for that one evening when you fed him five minutes later than usual. Cats never forgive their owners for that shit.”