Man married for 20 years all out of original sentiments for wife's birthday card

A MAN who has been with the same woman for two decades is unable to think of new content to write in her birthday card, it has emerged.

Husband Joe Turner has been struck by a bout of writer’s block as he desperately tries to jot down some vaguely original romantic words for his long-term wife, Lauren.

He said: “Expressing how I felt was a piece of piss when we first got together. But after 20 years of birthday, Christmas and Valentine’s Day cards I’ve covered everything. When you put all that together it’s basically a novel.

“I’ve said how lucky she makes me feel, ditto how she’s my soulmate. Her inner and outer beauty has been ticked off multiple times, so what does that leave? I could compliment her parking or tell her I really like her shepherd’s pie, but they feel like odd things to bring up.

“Christ, I’ve been staring at this card for so long that even ‘happy birthday’ is starting to sound hackneyed. I know, I’ll get the ball rolling by writing ‘To Lauren’ and ‘Love Joe’ along with some kisses, that should kick-start my imagination.

“F**k. No, still nothing. Think, Joe, think, your marriage depends on this.”

Wife Lauren said: “I stopped reading Joe’s cards 15 years ago. There are only so many hours in the day and I got the gist after the first few.”

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Gen X man progressive by 90s standards

A 53-YEAR-OLD man is considered progressive when compared to societal norms of the 1990s, it has emerged.

Tom Booker is a pioneer of progressive attitudes only when viewed in the context of an era that had just about come to terms with the idea that gay people exist and have sex with each other.

He said: “I’m what the media calls a New Man. I’m in touch with some of my emotions. Sometimes I don’t eat meat. I think men should help with the housework. Pretty radical, huh?

“But that doesn’t mean I’m completely soft. I still like ogling pictures of scantily clad women in magazines, only I do it in an ironic, self-aware manner. Which means it’s actually okay and not chauvinistic.

“I can’t keep up with all these weird modern notions though. Veganism? Gender fluidity? Self-identifying? All sounds a bit far-fetched to me. I just about tolerated David Beckham wearing a sarong but even that was pushing it.

“If anything, society could do with regressing to that sweet spot just after grunge but before lad culture. As a progressive straight white man the world was a perfect place for me, and I assume everyone else too.”