Watch politicians lying right to your f**king face, and the other worst ways to begin a Sunday

SUNDAY mornings are the one time of the week you’re allowed to be lazy. Ruin this oasis of free time by following this dreary itinerary.

6am: Wake up

Sunday is supposed to be the day of rest, not the day of wearily opening your bleary eyes before sunrise. Wake up far too early, fail to go back to sleep and wonder what to do at this time. Listen to your partner snore while realising you’ve f**ked up your sleep pattern for the working week ahead? Fun.

7am: Deal with hangover

Once you’ve staggered out of bed to make a cup of tea it’s time for your body to catch up with all those pints you drank the night before. Strangely enough you haven’t metabolised them in the intervening five and a half hours of disturbed shut-eye and now you need to cower on the bathroom floor for a little bit.

8am: Go for a run

Stopped puking? Good. You should be ready for a brisk early morning jog/stagger around your local park. Don’t suffer in silence though, bring down everyone else’s Sunday morning by sharing your route on social media. There’s no point in trying to be healthy if you can’t be a smug twat about it in the process.

9am: Watch politicians lying right to your f**king face

Sunday wouldn’t be Sunday without blatantly biased political bullshit spewing out of your telescreen. Choose from Sunday with Laura Kuenssberg, where politicians are gently tossed easy questions and given a platform to lie to your face, or Politics London, where the even-handed BBC throws Labour under the bus while brown-nosing the Tories. You could turn over, but it’s good to stay abreast of societal collapse.

10am: Church

So far you’ve punished your body and your brain, now all that’s left is for your soul to be stamped on for an hour. Finish getting your Sunday morning off to a terrible start by listening to an interminable sermon, mumbling your way through dismal hymns, and learning how you’re condemned to an eternity of damnation. Don’t worry, you’ll be back to the misery of work before you know it.

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Five foot one woman selfishly going out with six foot three man

A WOMAN who is 5ft 1in is insensitively going out with a man who is an enviable 6ft 3ins.

Grace Wood-Morris has selfishly enticed a man a full foot taller than her into a monogamous relationship despite it being excessive and unnecessary.

Friend Sophie Rodriguez said: “I’d be fine with Grace going out with anyone up to five foot seven. But six three is just irresponsible.

“As a petite woman, though admittedly with a big arse, she has a duty to only date the shorter man. You could still feel like a big powerful protector of Grace if you were a pathetic little five foot four runt. That’s what she could give to society.

“But instead she’s dating a man who towers over her, unfairly taking him off the market for perfectly nice girls who through no fault of their own stand five ten in flats.

“They should be forcibly split up and only allowed to date within mandated height brackets. I don’t care if she ‘loves him’. Of course she does, he’s six foot f**king three.”

Wood-Morris said: “He’s just a really lovely, caring guy. Though admittedly when we hold hands I feel like Daddy’s taking me to the zoo.”