IKEA to provide couples' counselling stations throughout shop floors

IKEA is to open counselling stations on its shop floors to help couples through the trauma of buying its home furnishings, it has confirmed.

The Swedish retailer’s therapy areas will provide poor value for money, quickly fall apart when put to use, and lead to relationship strife in order to stay true to the overall brand.

IKEA spokesperson Lars Johansson said: “The counselling stations won’t appear anywhere on our baffling floor plans, so the ordeal of finding them will test the relationship of even the most compatible and happy couples.

“Once they’ve tracked them down though, feuding partners will be rewarded with unhelpful advice explained to them in a language they don’t understand. Don’t worry, they’ll be shown condescending diagrams of cartoon characters looking unhappy to get the point across.

“Then all they’ll have to do is lug their emotional baggage to the counter, fork out a shitload of money, and question why they bothered coming here. It’s a natural extension of our regular shopping experience.”

Customer Nikki Hollis said: “I’d like to imagine this is one IKEA product that won’t involve wrestling with an Allen key, but we all know they’ll find a way. They always do.”

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Thrilled Britain keenly awaiting arrival of biggest ever energy bill

ACROSS the nation, families are waiting by their letterboxes to receive the biggest energy bills they have ever seen.

Households who treated themselves to heat and light over Christmas are anticipating their reward in the form of a wild new energy bill that really pushes the envelope in charging for human necessities.

Tom Booker of Stevenage said: “It’s definitely going to be above £400. We had the heating on 14 hours some days, and the oven, and we didn’t stint on the telly either.

“I’m hearing rumours some are coming in at more than £600 for the month! Wow. For one month! And December was actually pretty mild!

“We’ve switched to paper bills just so we can all gather round and open it together. I can’t wait for the stunned silence as we contemplate a figure nobody would have believed possible just a few years ago.

“Though by next winter we’ll look back at this one and be like ‘Remember when energy bills were less than the mortgage?’ Still, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Let’s enjoy this unprecendentedly large bill in the moment.”

Booker then opened the bill, with his family gathered round, and commented: “F**king hell!”