The weekend staff's guide to being the most incompetent worker possible

TIRED of being bad at your job in the same old predictable ways? Follow the lead of the peerlessly incompetent staff who work at the weekends.

Have no idea about anything

Even the most basic questions like ‘How much is this?’ and ‘Do you work here?’ should bamboozle you. As for more complex tasks such as serving customers, forget it. All you should really know is how to leave work the second your shift is over, regardless of if you’re in the middle of a task or not.

Don’t give a shit

Admittedly this isn’t limited to weekend staff. However they’re the only workers who can expect to get away with not masking their disdain while leaning against a cash register and scrolling on their phone. If you tried that as an adult rather than a teenage weekend worker you’d lose your job and as a result your box room in a crappy house share.

Demonstrate no common sense

Years of inexperience mean that weekend staff are completely incapable of making logical judgements. If you want to follow their example, try forgetting everything you know and completing your work in the most ridiculous fashion possible. In the likely event of being out of your depth, don’t fetch your manager, that would make too much sense. Blag it and hope nobody notices.

Pay zero attention

Is a customer asking for a certain type of milk in their coffee? Or maybe a colleague is explaining a very specific duty you need to perform? Whatever. Look out of the window with your slack jaw hanging open instead. Make sure you exclaim ‘Yeah, sure thing!’ every 30 seconds until home time to cover your arse.

Be 17 years old

If not physically, then mentally. This means being subject to your raging hormones and acting like doing basic work is an affront to your human rights. Don’t people know you have much more important things to do than working in a poxy supermarket? Things like getting drunk very easily, being unable to drive and masturbating? The nerve.

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Woman thinks she isn't watching Love Island

A WOMAN who has made a point of not being sucked into watching Love Island strangely seems to know every detail of what is going on. 

Joanna Kramer is definitely ignoring the contrived relationship dramas in the sun and instead focusing on worthwhile activities such as Couch to 5K and a possible career change. 

Kramer said: “I avoid engaging with Love Island, but a woman on the train watches Aftersun on her iPad and I lose physical control of my eyeballs and have to watch too. God that’s annoying.

“The footage I keep seeing on news sites has confirmed to me I’m not interested in some reality TV nobody sensationally being kicked out yesterday. It’s not my thing at all. I wouldn’t recognise Will if I wanked him off in Casa Amour.

“And it’s such a pain having to have long, bitchy conversations about it with Shelley at work. In my head I’m saying ‘Shut up, you trivial-minded idiot’. I can’t see it working out between Lana and Aaron though.

“Also I’m barely noticing what Maya Jama’s wearing from her social media feeds, so ordering two of her outfits is completely coincidental.”

Kramer refuses to watch Love Island at home, but thoughtfully records it for partner Stephen Malley and sits in front of the TV with him in case he wants an intelligent conversation instead.

Malley said: “Joanna tells me every day, especially when she’s pissed, that she’s glad she’s not watching Love Island, then calls everything ‘cute’ in a Scottish accent. I’m seriously considering recoupling.”