IT’S hard enough to enjoy a passable bit of intercourse in a comfy bed. So why people insist on doing it in these utterly impractical places defies explanation.
Back seat of a car
A teenage rite of passage. Or: awkward fumbling made worse by borrowing your mum’s two-door Corsa. When you reach the vinegar strokes there’s a risk of putting your elbow through one of the tiny windows at the back. That’ll be difficult to explain to your mum. But not as difficult as the jizz on the upholstery.
On the floor
Utterly folly. The bed is RIGHT THERE. Try to go at it like a couple of seasoned porn stars and you’ll realise your knees aren’t up to it, your partner had that slipped disc in 2017 and you’re both getting carpet burn from the best John Lewis rug. When you mercifully finish after two minutes of huffing and puffing, it looks like the end of a tragic, naked game of Twister.
In the great outdoors
De rigueur for adventurous shaggers, supposedly. In reality you’re freezing and terrified a primary school trip will walk past. You’ll quickly realise DH Lawrence should have changed the title of Lady Chatterley’s Lover to Nettles on Your Ballbag and A Twig Up the Arsehole.
In the shower
Allegedly steamy and sensual. Actually slippery and hazardous. To even get it to go in you both have to fold yourselves up like broken deck chairs. Once you’re awkwardly bonking while trying not to ‘disengage’ you’ll find yourself staring at some athlete’s foot cream on the side of the bath or your kid’s Ariel doll from Little Mermaid. One misstep and you’ve cracked your head on the sink and the next thing you see is a paramedic. Not hugely erotic.
The Mile High Club
No one has ever successfully got their end away in a plane because life isn’t the movies. You and your partner aren’t international spies flying first class to Moscow, you’re having two weeks self-catering in Benidorm. And nothing kills a boner quicker than hearing the Ryanair cabin crew trying to sell those scratch cards over the tannoy. Even if you do manage a quickie, you’ll spend it worrying about leaving your kids asleep in their seats while you went off to have sex in a toilet.