Israel offers eight-second ceasefire

ISRAEL has reached out to Palestinians with the offer of a ceasefire lasting almost nine seconds.

Under the terms of the agreement Israeli airstrikes and Hamas rockets would end for a full eight Mississippis.

Prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu said: “The periods of non-fatality may be extended if the officer in charge of shelling is finishing his tea or updating Facebook.

“This is clear progress from our previous position, which called for the Palestinian Authority to accept unending shelling on any and all locations. Which was in itself very generous.”

Israel’s ground offensive, launched last night, saw regular periods of street-to-street ceasefire as troops reloaded weapons which had been discharged in an attempt to secure a lasting peace.

Netanyahu said: “How can we make peace when we have no partner for peace – oh look, a bus! Get it! GET IT!”


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Irish name pronounced how it’s written

NEW Irish employee Kyla Burns has surprised her colleagues by revealing there are no hidden letters in her name.

Staff at London-based accountants Madeley-Finnegan greeted her warmly, but became visibly nervous when the time came to add her name to the tea and coffee rota.

Colleague Nathan Muir said: “She seemed nice and very genuine, but we got burned last month when Aisling Kelley visited from the Dublin office.

“I’m not accusing every Irish person of smuggling a few extra letters in their name, but that’s exactly how they get away with it.

“So you can imagine our relief when Kyla spelled her name and every single letter could be accounted for – like a proper name.

“After that she really bonded with the rest of the team, apart from being a little offended with our incorrect use of the word ‘crack’.”

Meanwhile, a name badge reading ‘Kaieyloagh Ní Byrnes’ was thrown in the bin moments before Kyla was taken on a tour of the office.

Irish names have been a constant source of irritation to the English since the 19th century, when many Irish families started hoarding extra letters in case of a shortage.