It was 'Adam and Steve' all along, confirms Pope

CLOSE examination of the Bible has revealed  it was ‘Adam and Steve’ in the Garden of Eden the whole time. 

Pope Francis revealed that ‘Eve’ was just a mistranslation and that fundamentalist Christians who oppose gay marriage would now have to change their placards.

The Pontiff said: “Turns out Adam was lonely, so God made him a companion in his own image. And being tempted by a snake? We’re just embarrassed we never spotted the symbolism anymore.

“Also God and Lucifer were a couple who fell out, Jesus was the first bear, and we got the Sodom and Gomorrah parts almost completely backwards.”

He added: “It explains the church’s longstanding disgust and disdain for women, because technically speaking they’re not part of His creation at all.

“Yes, we probably need to do something about them. What’s that verse in Exodus, about not suffering witches?”

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And also there’s the cash from the smack trade, says Cameron

THE prime minister has admitted making £80,000 from importing heroin but that it ended well before the 2010 election. 

David Cameron inherited the business, which included opium fields in Malaysia and a processing factory in Malta, but insists he sold his shares two months before he became prime minister.

He continued: “My father’s heroin business was not so much aimed at narcotics refinement as providing a decent income to those former subjects of the Empire left high and dry by independence.

“The unfortunate fact that it was, and is, in contravention of some international laws is really irrelevant. This business kept people in work during some pretty tough times.

“When I was 18 I actually did some door-to-door work selling the product and let me tell you it was very much needed by the ordinary, decent people of Britain.

“I sold the shares, half of which were owned by my wife Samantha, in February 2010 for actually slightly less than the market value, and sadly wasn’t able to pay tax because I feared the authorities would kick up a fuss.

“Now, if my opponents are finished dragging my late father’s name through the mud, I have a country to run.”