RUSSIAN prime minister Vladimir Putin has been told it is okay to have a smaller than average penis and that he can stop all this nonsense whenever he likes.
A United Nation's resolution has called on the bear-chested, gun-toting, horse wrestler to come to terms with his penis size and perhaps read a book or take up fly-fishing instead.
Putin's KGB bodyguard Mikhail Kurkov, said: "Every day he wants to be photographed firing a bazooka or fighting a massive animal.
"This morning we had to ship in a drugged gorilla just so that he could give it a karate chop. Then it was off to the mountains to shoot anti-tank guns at goats with his top off."
He added: "A particularly slow four-year-old could work out the subtext. He thinks he's Russian politics' answer to Bruce Willis but really he's more like a Jeremy Clarkson with less hair and more appeal to homosexuals.
"And before you ask – yes, it is miniscule."
Putin's Facebook page lists his favourite film as Lone Wolf McQuade, his favourite song as Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins and his favourite food as 'the raw, still-beating heart, torn from the fresh carcass of the black boar of Svetlograd'."
Olga Kamarov, Putin's nan, said: "It's understandable. It is like a scale model of a normal boy's parts.
'When he was little we used to make jokes about it, saying that the fairies had magicked away his bits, but now I feel perhaps we scarred the boy."
His housekeeper Anya added: "Yes, I've seen it too. It's like a little mushroom. Ha ha ha."