It's okay to have a small penis, world tells Putin

RUSSIAN president Vladimir Putin has been told it is okay to have a smaller than average penis and that he can stop all this nonsense whenever he likes.

The United Nations have called on the bear-chested, gun-toting, horse wrestler to come to terms with his penis size and perhaps read a book or take up fly-fishing instead.

Putin’s KGB bodyguard Mikhail Kurkov, said: “Every day he wants to be photographed firing a bazooka or fighting a massive animal.

“This morning we had to ship in a drugged gorilla just so that he could give it a karate chop. Then it was off to the mountains to shoot anti-tank guns at goats with his top off.”

He added:  “A particularly slow four-year-old could work out the subtext. He thinks he’s Russian politics’ answer to Bruce Willis but really he’s more like a Jeremy Clarkson with less hair and more appeal to homosexuals.

“And before you ask – yes, it is miniscule.”

Putin’s Facebook page lists his favourite film as Lone Wolf McQuade, his favourite song as Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins and his favourite food as ‘the raw, still-beating heart, torn from the fresh carcass of the black boar of Svetlograd’.

Olga Kamarov, Putin’s nan, said: “It’s understandable. It is like a scale model of a normal boy’s parts.

“When he was little we used to make jokes about it, saying that the fairies had magicked away his bits, but now I feel perhaps we scarred the boy.”

His housekeeper Anya added: “Yes, I’ve seen it too. It is like button mushroom. Ha ha ha.”

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Edinburgh Fringe kicks off annual tosspot migration

BRITAIN will become 68 per cent more pleasant as the Edinburgh Fringe draws in the country’s pathologically self-absorbed bastards for the next three weeks.

As the rest of the country enjoys a well-earned break, the Scottish capital will once again be awash with sixth-form poetry, half-baked political idealism and post-modern reworkings of the A-Team as a feminist statement about pubes.

Sociologist Charlie Reeves said: “The Edinburgh Fringe has become a sort of ‘gobshite kettling’, a way of temporarily containing viciously self-confident Oxbridge graduates who are nowhere near as talented as they think they are but will still end up getting 500 grand a year from the BBC.”

He added: “If only the Metropolitan Police were there to batter them all with sticks.”

Stephen Malley, an accountant from Finsbury Park, said: “It’s already a lot more pleasant around here. I’ve been to the park, done a bit of shopping, stopped for a pint and not once have I been forced to listen to a bunch of tits talking shit.”

Meanwhile Bill McKay, a 55-year-old Edinburgh resident, said: “I’ve had 40 years of arrogant teenagers rewriting Shakespeare, ‘political jugglers’ and comedians calling their show ‘Cheese Badger’.

“At my local we’ve cleared a space in the cellar so if one of them wanders in accidentally we open the hatch, chuck them down the steps and leave them to the pit bulls.”

He added: “It’s called A Million Tears for Rosalita, venue 65, £7.50 at the door, £6 concessions.”