'It's the weed,' says Biden

PRESIDENT Biden has hit out at critics who blame his failing memory on his age, saying it is because he smokes copious amounts of marijuana.

He condemned a special counsel report which said his recollections had ‘significant limitations’ because he is ‘an elderly man with a poor memory’ for overlooking a daily cannabis habit he described as ‘heroic’.

He said: “First off, if you remember the Obama administration, you weren’t there.

“Second, obviously I have short-term memory problems. That’s because, in the short-term, it’s never longer than 30 minutes since I last blazed a blunt.

“I’m American. And what it means to be American in the 21st century is to be stoned: at home, at work, and at play. This isn’t senility. I am permanently bombed. I am the weedhead leader of a weedhead nation, as our hemp-farming founding fathers intended.

“To me, a folder stamped Classified Top Secret is just so much roach material. So quit with this memory shit. You know who needs regular bong hits in his life? Trump.”

Jules Cook of Santa Fe said: “For real, he’s dead on about Trump. Motherf**ker got to chill.”

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Labour drops plans to stand at next general election

THE Labour Party has announced it will not be fielding any candidates at the next general election. 

The party leadership is concerned that if they oppose the Tories they might provoke adverse headlines in the Daily Mail, Sun, Times and Telegraph – precisely the sort of of negative publicity Sir Keir Starmer is seeking to avoid.

With a total of zero MPs, Labour will focus on holding the Conservatives to account by watching Sky News at home and tutting when the government does something they disagree with, which will not be often.

Labour Party spokesman Tom Logan said: “Under Starmer’s leadership we have shown that Labour is no longer adversarial for its own sake. Ordinary voters are fed up of that, although admittedly mostly Tory ones.

“Thanks to our previous leader, the terrifying ageing vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn, many voters are still fearful of Labour, believing they have plans to tax hardworking families to build gulags then put them in them.

“By not fielding any candidates at all we are sending out a strong message to those families, to businesses, to wavering Tory voters, that they have literally no reason to fear us. 

“This does not mean we won’t be putting the government under scrutiny. Keir has already told Rishi Sunak to ‘get a grip’. You could tell he was taking it in by the way he was scrolling his phone.”

Charlotte Phelps of Reading said: “People like me have been saying Labour needed to appeal to Tory supporters for years. Now they’ve done it I’m going to vote Reform because I am a typical f**kwit British voter.”