What to do if your child identifies as Rishi Sunak

IT’S many parents’ worst nightmare – their child announcing they want to become Rishi Sunak. Here psychologist Donna Sheridan explains how to discuss it in a calm and supportive way.

Be honest about how you feel

People who transition to Sunak mostly feel happier in their new identity. But it can be hard for family members to accept that the person they knew is now a Tory bastard who prioritises cheap political point scoring over the feelings of bereaved parents. Do your best to understand, and not punch the arrogant little prick in the face.

Discuss the long-term effects with a surgeon

If your child wants to have surgery to become fully Sunak, it’s vital they understand what that entails. They’ll be a shortarse for a start. A good surgeon will be able to talk them through issues like not being able to reach things on high shelves, and suggest options such as platform soles or learning to use a pogo stick. 

Have they been unduly influenced by their peers?

Teenagers are often desperate for the approval of their peers and may see becoming a Sunak as a means to this. Check they’ve not started hanging around with Michael Gove or Kemi Badenoch, and if they have encourage them to find more worthwhile friends, such as gang members or heroin addicts. 

Prepare them for the possibility of Rishiphobic abuse 

Anyone becoming Rishi Sunak may well face hurtful personal abuse such as ‘Wanker!’, ‘Austerity is a failed economic policy!’ and ‘Why don’t you call a general election so we can f**king get rid of you?’. However it’s entirely possibly they’ll shrug off any criticism due to becoming a self-important yet utterly clueless arsehole who can’t see political oblivion staring them in the face like the grinning clown out of It.

Be aware even drug treatments may be hard to reverse

The transitioning process will normally begin with drug treatments designed to remove any trace of a genuine or likeable personality. However if they stop they may find their voice has permanently changed to Sunak’s irritating prissy whine, or they are no longer capable of performing normal everyday tasks, such as paying for petrol with a debit card.   

Discuss the limitations of treatment

It’s an awkward subject to broach, but their face or body shape may make it hard to convincingly pass as a Sunak. They may not, for example, be able to style their hair with a geeky side-parting slightly too far to one side. It may sound like a superficial issue, but it’s something to be aware of if they’re expecting to become a total dork.

Reassure them you will love them no matter what

Obviously this is a lie, because if you’re not repulsed by Sunak’s total indifference to the most vulnerable in society, you’ll be wishing he’d stick his false mateyness up his arse. The good news is you only have to put up with him for about eight months then he’ll be f**king off to Silicon Valley.

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We ask you: was Prince Harry right to turn tail and run like a coward?

PRINCE Harry flew in, high-fived his ailing father while running through the morning room, and flew back to California. Was he right to do so? 

Nathan Muir, lathe operator: “That’s actually pretty warm and loving for his social strata. No doubt Charles was so overwhelmed with emotion a muscle almost twitched in his face.”

Francesca Ryan, nursery nurse: “Proves once and for all he’s terrified of William, bulked up and stripped to the waist, kicking shit out of him.”

Grace Wood-Morris, social media manager: “You can’t blame him at all. It’s not safe leaving the kids with Meghan for 48 hours. She’s no kind of a mother.”

Roy Hobbs, retired policeman: “I just hope he took extensive notes for the Spare sequel.”

Olly O’Connor, roofer: “Prince Harry was here? And I missed it? But he’s my favourite.”