Japan To Offer Free Whaling Lessons

JAPAN is offering free whaling lessons and discounts on harpoons in a bid to encourage more people to take up its favourite leisure pursuit.

Kenji Katakuri, the minister for sport, said that too many people criticised whaling without experiencing the sheer enjoyment of hunting and killing a whale themselves.

He said: “We take you out on boat, one time, chase big fish.We shoot it with sharp stick, you give it try, you never know, you might find you enjoy it.

“We have big laugh together, cutty up fish, eat whale burger on deck. So why you chase our boats and throw smelly liquid at us when we just trying to enjoy ourselves?”

Mr Katakuri said that anyone who took up the offer of one free whaling lesson would get the next two at half price, and 50% off an entry-level harpoon like the Nike Whalinator 2000.

He added: “That saving of nearly £250, plus we offer no deposit and nothing to pay for three years. It better deal than DFS. Plus we let you shoot penguin if you good.”

Meanwhile TV chef Delia Smith has thrown her weight behind the Japanese campaign producing a series of recipes books including How to Cook Whale, Whale for One and Delia's Whaley Christmas.

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Ministers Hail Success Of 24-Hour Violence Laws

BRITAIN'S controversial 24-hour violence laws have been an unqualified success, the government said last night.

Ministers said the decision to allow people to lash out at any time had been vindicated as millions of citizens embraced the new culture of kicking each other's teeth in.

The introduction of 24-hour violence laws has seen violence increase from frequent to constant, while many town centres have been transformed into trendy, cosmopolitan no-go areas.

The government insisted the only downside was a shortage of council staff willing to scrub blood off the pavements.

Home secretary Jacqui Smith said: "Responsible adults are able to enjoy round-the-clock violence, with many of them using knives and chains for the first time.

"Gone are the days when everyone tried to cram in as much violence as they could between 11pm and midnight.

"Now you can walk down an English high street at three or four in the morning and see dozens of responsible adults beating the hell out of each other."

She added: "This is what continental Europe would be like if it was horribly violent all the time."