'Je ne suis pas insured', and other essential No Deal phrases

STILL planning to visit our sworn enemies in Europe? After our no-deal exit, you’ll need to add these key phrases to your linguistic arsenal: 

‘Je ne suis pas insured’

Used to waving an EHIC card whenever you’re in France and drink too much to function? Not after January 1st. Have this phrase up your sleeve when you’re crawling in the Parisian gutters, and the gendarmes will give you a peacable beating then leave you be.

‘Ich liebe tariffs’

With tariffs to be imposed on everything from cheese to car parts, show your patriotism by insisting that this was the plan all along. Try to make cutting Britain off from Europe for no discernable reason a bit like tearing down the Berlin Wall.

‘Estoy aquí por ‘three months maximum’

Get your tongue around this one so you can explain to your Spanish neighbours that you can only stay in your retirement villa for three months at a time before you’re thrown on a plane back to Blighty.

‘Jeg dræber dig over fisk’

Quite simply, ‘I will kill you over fish’ – useful should the devious Danes start raiding the Newcastle coastline in search of more illuminated manuscripts, or threaten to ration vital supplies of highbrow Scandinavian crime dramas over fishing rights.

‘Il nostro primo ministro è un lying bastard’

At least ‘bunga-bunga’ parties sounded fun. Win sympathy from friends in Italy by providing a succinct overview of the whole No Deal situation and how a formerly serious country ended up in such a f**king mess.

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Fairy lights solve everything, says Britain

BRITONS have confirmed that the best way to deal with a pandemic, Brexit and winter is to throw shitloads of fairy lights at them. 

Facing an uncertain long-term future and an extremely certain short-term future of months indoors, the UK has decided to cover everything with fairy lights and flick the switch.

Tom Logan of Exeter said: “Okay, we’ve lost freedom of movement, the food might run out and we’re all going up to Tier 3, but check this really lovely waterfall effect on these lights. Five different flicker settings.

“I’ve got lights in the hall, the kitchen, the downstairs bathroom, the shed, the wife’s Volvo. I’ve even draped the TV with colour-change lights and now everything looks like Strictly, even if it’s Matt Hancock sobbing.

“They make the world soft-focus and gentle, like drugs but without the criminal record. Boris must be seeking the the illusion of warmth and prosperity right now, he should get some.”

Wife Hannah Tomlinson said: “With fairy lights on the bedframe like my student room where we first fell in love, it’s even got us having more sex. They still don’t help much there.”