Jon Snow joins Wexit campaign

THE leader of the Night’s Watch has joined the campaign to end Westeros’s economic union with neighbouring Essos.

Jon Snow complained of Essos Union regulations preventing him from fondling his half-sister and buying proper light bulbs.

He said: “Why should we in the Seven Kingdoms have petty bureaucrats from across the Narrow Sea telling us we can only ram a poker up a dwarf’s arse during a month with an R in it?

“Thanks to Essos the Seven Kingdoms has been overrun with immigrants from the Summer Islands. They smell of fish, and their women are wanton.”

However Stay campaigner Roose Bolton said: “Without Essos gold we would never have built The Wall, while the free trade agreement has seen a massive boom in the pillaging industry of the Iron Islands.

“I admit not everything they do in the Free Cities is perfect, but if we cleave ourselves from Essos I fear the chill wrath of winter will reave our land until the last dire-wolf bays his final death-call.

“We face hordes of White Walkers and dragons, yet we still want to separate from the rest of the humanity, mainly because they eat funny food.”

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Ask Holly: My work colleague makes fun of my clothes

Dear Holly,

Someone at work keeps publicly taking the mickey out of me, and yesterday he thought it would be hilarious to make a joke about my personal style of dress. I stood up for myself and poured scorn on his childish insult with suitably dignified magnanimity, but I realised too late what I should have said was ‘say hi to your mum for me, you fish-faced pig shagger’. 

Now I’m really kicking myself, why can’t I be witty on the spot?

Jez Corbyn


Dear Jez,

I blame your parents. They’re too busy blowing their cash on prosecco and designer furniture from John Lewis to realise they’re totally ruining your life by buying you rubbish cheap clothes from Morrisons. Just because every piece from the Nutmeg range is fire-retardant and less than £7.99 doesn’t mean you won’t get your head flushed down the toilet when people find out the truth.

Hope that helps,