'So-called experts' actually experts

PEOPLE who decided to ignore ‘the so-called experts’ have conceded that they did in fact have useful knowledge.

Britons with various chronic health problems and injuries have reluctantly admitted that doctors and scientists are not just trying to stop everyone having fun.

Sales manager Roy Hobbs said: “The so-called experts are always telling you things are bad for you, and my recent lengthy spell in hospital suggests they were 100 per cent right about sausages fried in butter.

“They might be right about smoking too, so I’m going to look into that instead of staking my health on anecdotes about grandads who smoked 80 Capstan a day and lived to 105.”

Administrator Nikki Hollis said: “I’d always assumed experts just liked sounding important or were being bribed by big companies.

“However that advice about leaving a safe distance between you and the car in front turned out to be correct. I’ll definitely be telling my friends once the concussion’s worn off.”

The public is now gradually accepting that experts may have valid opinions on other subjects, such as homeopathy, angels and swimming far out to sea.

Van driver Martin Bishop said: “There’s only one sort of experts I trust and that’s UFO experts. Finding out all that highly classified government information takes a lot of work and you have to respect that.”

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Father so sad he can't swear in front of toddler any more

THE father of a two-year-old has admitted wiping away tears after realising his son is no longer oblivious to his foul language. 

Tom Booker of Nantwich has promised himself he will no longer swear in front of son Ben, but describes it as “the end of a golden era”.

He continued: “I remember his innocent little baby face while I called a chair I’d stubbed my toe on a ‘fucking stupid fucking wooden bastard’.

“Bless him, he didn’t understand a word.

“But now, when I shout ‘You bellend Audi twat’ in the car and he says in his adorable piping voice ‘Twat daddy’, suddenly I realise he’s too old for these little games.

“No more rapping along to Bitches Ain’t Shit by Dr Dre on the nursery run, no more sniggering as I tell him Thomas The Wank Engine’s on.

“They grow up so quickly.”