Just don't make me go back to that shop, says Ikea monkey

THE monkey found in Ikea has issued a heartfelt plea not to be sent back there.

The macaque, currently the subject of a custody battle between its owner and an animal sanctuary, said that its main concern is never going near another Billy bookcase.

Year-old Darwin said: “I remember standing in that massive labyrinth of tat, which has no beginning and no end and stinks of meatballs and failure.

“No creature, whether man, monkey or monitor lizard, deserves to end up there.

“The other shoppers were so utterly demoralised, so spiritually crushed by their surroundings, that they didn’t even notice a monkey wearing a massive coat.

“The worst bit was that I wanted to get a couple of white Expedit shelving units to organise my fruit, but when I got to the warehouse they were out of stock.

“What a fucking waste of time.”

Darwin added: “I would rather be sold to one of those circuses where they make you ride a tiny bicycle while dressed as a bellboy, if it were a choice between that and another Saturday afternoon in that Swedish hall of woe.”

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Modern-day Jesus 'would go around making computers work'

IF Jesus were alive today he would travel from place to place doing IT miracles, it has been claimed.

Theologians confirmed that making Windows work properly is the modern equivalent of healing a leper.

Bible expert Roy Hobbs said: “Things have changed since Biblical times, people are fine for loaves and fishes but they want to be able to watch Game of Thrones without buffering.

“Modern-day Jesus would wander between towns, resurrecting laptops with a single touch and preaching compatibility between operating systems.

“‘Load up thy firewall and browse’ he would say, and suddenly your internet would work without being a perpetual arse.

“Huge crowds would flock around ‘computer Christ’, wielding broken PDAs and laptops. But his attempts to unite rival factions would attract powerful enemies on online forums, and he would die mysteriously at a TED conference.”