THE monkey found in Ikea has issued a heartfelt plea not to be sent back there.
The macaque, currently the subject of a custody battle between its owner and an animal sanctuary, said that its main concern is never going near another Billy bookcase.
Year-old Darwin said: “I remember standing in that massive labyrinth of tat, which has no beginning and no end and stinks of meatballs and failure.
“No creature, whether man, monkey or monitor lizard, deserves to end up there.
“The other shoppers were so utterly demoralised, so spiritually crushed by their surroundings, that they didn’t even notice a monkey wearing a massive coat.
“The worst bit was that I wanted to get a couple of white Expedit shelving units to organise my fruit, but when I got to the warehouse they were out of stock.
“What a fucking waste of time.”
Darwin added: “I would rather be sold to one of those circuses where they make you ride a tiny bicycle while dressed as a bellboy, if it were a choice between that and another Saturday afternoon in that Swedish hall of woe.”