Kennedy ‘would have withdrawn from Vietnam but not women’

PRESIDENT John F Kennedy planned to pull-out of Vietnam but not giggly White House secretaries, it has been claimed.

On the 50th anniversary of his death, historians said official documents showed Kennedy realised the US could no more win a land war in Asia than he could stop himself from going at it hammer and tongs at least twice a day.

Julian Cook, professor of American television at Roehampton University, said: “Towards the end of his life JFK was developing a more sophisticated view of America’s geopolitical role. He was also desperate to fuck Natalie Wood. And at least two of her friends.

“And possibly also her mum.”

Martin Bishop, author of JFK: Dirty Man in the White House, added: “Kennedy wanted to remake America’s relationship with the Soviet Union. Mainly because he had seen photos of Ukrainian women and wanted to poke loads of them without creating a national security brouhaha.

“An intern exchange programme with the USSR would have been like a massive Christmas hamper full of nubile 20 year-olds.”

Bishop also believes that Kennedy knew that, in his second term, his sexual exploits would have been exposed but did not care as long as he would still be able to have an enormous quantity of intercourse.

He added: “J Edgar Hoover once threatened JFK by showing him an FBI dossier on the president’s sex life. Kennedy handed it back and said ‘you missed at least 50, you stupid old freak’.

“He then settled back in his rocking chair, puffed on his cigar and said ‘I love being me’.”

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Gibraltar ship was chartered by bored apes

APES frustrated by Gibraltar’s lack of entertainment hired a Spanish ship to get them off the rock, it has emerged.

Barbary apes paid a six-figure sum for the hire of RV Romon Margalef, whose incursion into British waters caused a diplomatic incident.

Ape Tom Logan said: “There is absolutely nothing to do here except smoke fags and loiter outside British theme pubs haranguing tourists for peanuts.

“Spain however has a thriving cultural scene with high quality tapas, Almodovar films and minimal techno clubs. Everything an ape could want.”

Apes have a long history of attempting to flee Gibraltar, but have been hampered by poor organisation and their erratic, hedonistic nature.

In 2003 a group of apes overpowered the crew of a fishing boat using a combination of extreme stealth and scat flinging.

An onlooker said: “One of their number had gone overboard and they were repeatedly speeding the boat up whenever he tried to swim back to it, which a lot of them seemed to find hilarious.”

The vessel eventually washed up off the Gibraltar coast, littered with banana skins, vuvuzelas and drugs wrappers.