Night bus 'final vomit' plans unveiled

EVERY London night bus will undertake a ceremonial ‘puke parade’ before being replaced by the 24-hour tube.

Veteran passengers will be encouraged to pay their last respects at the themed event by climbing aboard the top deck and engaging in three minutes of silent kebab eating before the vomiting it solmenly everywhere.

Bus driver Roy Hobbs of the N9 route said “I’m glad the mayor wants us to celebrate the lives of these noble beasts in a meaningful and respectful way.

“As a passenger I’ve done so many secret bus sicks, mainly on the floor but also down the side at the back.”

Regular traveller Carolyn Ryan said: “It’s the end of an era. There’s nothing I love more than working my way through a six-pack between Oxford Street and Camden town, and then regurgitating it all over the gangway.

“However, I won’t be drinking on the new 24 hour tube, because you’re not allowed.”

Passenger Joseph Turner will be the guest of honour, after his total TFL vomit volume exceeded the three hundred litre mark at the start of the year.

He said: “I’m actually teetotal, but I get terrible motion sickness.”

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Middle-aged man clinging to belief in hoverboards

A 41-YEAR-OLD man still maintains that the hoverboards depicted in the 1989 film Back To The Future II are real.

Tom Logan, who watched the time travel comedy when it was first released, has insisted ever since that the anti-gravity board ridden by Marty McFly was not a special effect.

Logan said: “The hoverboards were prototypes developed by American military scientists. Steven Spielberg got special permission to use them because he was friends with the president.

“They never made them commercially available because the Russians could have taken the technology and used it to make a force field.”

Logan has a friend who claims to know someone who worked on Back To The Future II and had to sign a special secrecy contract about the hoverboards.

He said: “Special effects simply weren’t that convincing in 1989. Seriously, I don’t give a shit if you believe me or not, it’s true.

“It’s the same with the proton packs in Ghostbusters. Real, but too far ahead of their time for the general public.”