Lorry drivers' conversations now apocalyptically racist

STRANDED lorry drivers in Kent have broken records for the level of violent racism in their conversations.

The drivers’ solutions to the migrant crisis and French strikes have already outstripped the worst genocidal fantasies of a raving neo-Nazi and look set to get even worse.

Driver Roy Hobbs said: “For starters, let’s drop the neutron bomb.

“That leaves the road network intact and then we get lorries jousting each other at 75mph to scrape off any migrants still clinging to the sides.

“After that we round up all the French farmers and burn them on a pyre. Then we go home with our heads held high, because we are the knights of the road.”

Race relations expert Dr Mary Fisher said: “We have hit peak racism, with each square yard of Kent equivalent to the outpourings of 160 drunk Australian women on public transport.

“However, the long-term danger is minimal because we can always distract them with a Ginsters Meat Feast.”

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Today final deadline for summer romances, warns HMRC

REVENUE & Customs has warned that all summer romances must begin by midnight.

More than 25,000 people failed to begin their summer romances in time last year and instead of a frothy seasonal dalliance found themselves facing the penalty of long, serious relationships.

An HMRC spokesman said: “Applicants have from 00.00am on 1 June until 11.59pm on 31 July to begin a summer romance lasting a minimum 30 and a maximum 100 days.

“The romance will supply golden memories of true happiness lasting a lifetime, providing a SR108K is filed between the first tentative kiss and any drawing of lovehearts in the sand with a stick.

“However, should the romance begin late or fail to conclude when autumn leaves start to fall, all rebates on regrets will be withdrawn and it will be as messy and painful as any other relationship.”

Helen Archer, from Portsmouth, said: “I had one last year – first kiss lit only by fireflies, long beach walks at sunset, vows to always remember – but was so caught up in wearing his jacket on my shoulders that I missed the breaking-up deadline.

“I lost my Carefree Singleton Allowance and we had to move in together. We’ll probably end up getting married. I’m such an idiot.”