Man at least knew where he stood with Ukraine

A MAN is remembering the Ukraine war with a sense of nostalgia because at least that was relatively clear-cut.

Depressed current events follower Tom Logan is pining for 2022 when the news was dominated by a war that was straightforward compared to the one between Israel and Palestine.

Logan said: “Ukraine and Russia is your classic David versus Goliath tale with a de-Nazifying lie thrown in to update it for modern audiences. None of this ‘both sides are doing bad stuff’ bullshit.

“It’s got the defiant Zelensky. That boat that told Russia to go f**k itself. Offensives that proved Putin’s military wasn’t quite as all-powerful as everyone feared, like in Star Wars. I’m not saying I miss the invasion of Ukraine but you have to admit it was a simpler time.

“You could proudly add the Ukrainian flag filter to your profile picture taken on a drunken night out or fly it in your garden if you were middle class. Try doing that with Israel or Palestine. No wonder the Wembley arch pussied out.

“Of course there was the odd complication like the Azov Battalion being a bit too keen on the Nazis. But you could easily brush that off by remembering Ukraine good, Russia bad. Simples.

“Israel on the other hand were the victims at first, then they did that whole evacuation thing, and now f**k knows what’s going on with that hospital. I’ll have to soldier on with not having an opinion until it’s all resolved. It really is a tragedy.”

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New series of The Crown to feature you crying like a knobhead

THE new series of The Crown will feature you, in your 1990s flat, crying at the death of someone you never even knew like a knobhead.

The sixth season of the Royal drama covers the death and funeral of Princess Diana and includes, for historical accuracy, scenes of you weeping for reasons you are unable to explain now.

Nathan Muir, who has seen a preview, said: “Yeah, that’s me sobbing away. I recognise the combat pants and Ministry of Sound poster.

“I thought the producers were exaggerating it a bit – I get why the Queen called The Crown ‘bollocks’ now – but according to my wife I did lay a bunch of garage chrysanthemums on the cenotaph here in Todmorden, so fair enough.

“My mate Dave’s in it as well, crying a lone tear watching the funeral alone in his flat with a can of Fosters, which he never told me about, and I recognised a few old workmates and a girl from school.

“But it was a very emotional time. I was in the grip of mass hysteria. The filmmakers shouldn’t intrude on the private, inexplicable grief of me and a few million others just for ratings.”

Muir’s mother Angela said: “I sent a drawing of her to my local paper riding a unicorn made of prayers into battle against Satan’s legions to save kiddies. Why isn’t that in?”