Seven Gen Z celebrities you'd date just to piss off your kids

IT’S wrong to sexually objectify people, Gen Z will inform you earnestly. True, so if you fancy winding them up just share your romantic feelings about these hotties with them.

Billie Eilish

The only obstacle to a relationship between you and Billie is her music. Bad Guy is okay, but let’s face it, she’s not The Who. Or even Nirvana. With your middle-aged tutelage she could change musical direction and be churning out dad rock in no time. That would annoy your kids, along with her monopolising the bathroom to do her highlights.

Tom Holland 

He’s good-looking, personable, and Spider-Man: No Way Home was alright, so what’s not to like? Teenage children might find it hard to accept 27-year-old Tom moving in, but they’re always going to find something to moan about so it may as well be their hot new ‘Spider-Dad’.

Molly-Mae Hague

Love Island runner-up Molly-Mae’s fame is puzzling, until you realise she is the physical manifestation of the dreams of much of Gen Z: she’s an influencer, a ‘brand ambassador’ for PrettyLittleThings and an identikit reality TV blonde. Going out with her would make you Gen Z royalty. Unfortunately she’s engaged to Tommy Fury, and your blossoming romance could be hindered by being dead.

Timothée Chalamet 

Shagging Timothée will earn you the hatred of all female members of Generation Z, your now-surplus-to-requirements husband, many gay men and the entire female population. More worryingly, you’ll end up inadvertently knowing a f**k of a lot about Dune. Ask yourself if you’re ready for your brain to be permanently clogged with ‘facts’ like the religious beliefs of the Sardaukar and the Bene Gesserit’s role in creating the Kwisatz Haderach. 

Taylor Swift 

Imagine poaching Gen Z’s biggest icon and encouraging her to spend less time making music and more time in B&Q. Yes, there’s an age/wealth/talent difference, but you’re sure knowing the chorus to We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together is a solid basis for a relationship. The only potential problem is your children may be in the psycho wing of Taylor’s notoriously possessive fanbase and murder you. 


You weren’t exactly sure who Jimin was, until the internet revealed he’s one of K-pop’s biggest stars, and, as you might expect, quite easy on the eye. Even if you’re not into the boyband BTS he’s an upgrade on your current spouse. Maybe your soon-to-be-ex-partner could become Jimin’s servant? That’ll teach him to leave pubic hairs in the bath.

Emma Watson 

Despite being a geriatric 33, Emma is still hugely popular with Generation Z. Her advanced years mean you’d be dating someone vaguely your own age, and could have mature, adult conversations about Fizzing Whizzbees, Death Eaters and Quidditch.

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Woman worried she is a terrible mother actually is

A WOMAN who worries about being a bad mother absolutely is one, her friends have confirmed. 

Donna Sheridan frequently seeks reassurances that she is a good parent, despite issues such as her children’s unsupervised access to the internet, matches and plug sockets. 

Friend Lauren Hewitt said: “All mothers worry about whether they’re doing enough for their kids and Donna is no exception, except the problem is that she actually is rubbish. 

“When she asks ‘Am I a bad mum?’ we don’t feel we should reinforce unrealistic expectations that make mothers feel inadequate. But we also don’t feel toddlers should have access to knives or that Wotsits are one of their five-a-day. 

“We don’t want her to feel bad, but maybe she should feel slightly worse than she does now.

“She goes on long rambles on Facebook so we’ll reassure her she’s great, but it would be a lot easier if she got off the internet and made sure Oscar hadn’t climbed into the washing machine again.”

Sheridan said: “I sometimes worry if I’m doing enough, but my kids are loved, clothed and fed. About 40 per cent of the time anyway. What do they expect, daily trips to Disneyland?”